Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Staples and Augusta

by Jonas Dogara
For no reason at all, I just decide say today na for exams. Maybe na because I dey write some kind of exam now…

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I look my friend and the e look me too with one kind funny look for him face. Then I shout ‘Hey, staple it! I say staple it!’

My friend scatter laugh. My sister just dey look us. I sure say she dey wonder which leaf we done smoke.

That na the shout wey one old lecturer, we been get for university, shout one day o. The man go done reach like 106 years old at that time. Now e fit dey anywhere around 150 yrs old! E dey wear like two eye glasses. One thick pass coke bottle, and e be like say na the one e dey take read. The other one look like goggles wey e dey use practice welding when nobody dey around. E dey like say na Gaddhafi dash am that one. Anyway, na exam hall we dey, dey write one of those wicked exams wey the guy dey set. Lecturers wey dey invigilate just full everywhere dey do their thing. Every few minutes, dem go catch somebody wey hold dubs and dem go collect him paper. That na sharp carry over. Abeg no dey inside. 
Exam no easy!
After like two hours, some people done dey finish dey submit their papers. You know say if exam never finish, and you submit your paper, sometimes the lecturer wey you submit to go just open the paper, to see wetin you write. Some people wey no know wetin to write, no dey gree submit their paper until dem say ‘pens up!’ so that dem no go receive their F before exam finish! So, this young man just get up, submit him answer booklet and waka. As e just dey comot for hall, the lecturer wey e submit the booklet to, just open am. As e open am, two pages of paper (with enough writing on top) just fly out of the booklet. When the lecturer pick the papers and look dem, no be part of the answer booklet. Na dubs!

Na as the old lecturer see the thing, e begin shout make dem staple the dubs to the answer booklet. Imagine the animalae! E manage use dubs successfully for that military zone finish and leave am inside him answer booklet go submit am. Devil no fit punish you pass like that. I hear say the guy fail the course again even when e write am the next year. Somebody also talk say for the guy to pass, some village people been come see the old man…

Because of wetin happen for that exam, anytime something bad happen for exam for my class, we go just look each other and one person go shout ‘Staple it!’

So, I look my sister wey dey just dey go write her exam. Na exam wahala wey she yarn us about dey make us remember wetin been happen to her. Then, I tell her say ‘Abeg, no tell me if you dey carry ‘bullets’ inside pant or bra or tights dey enter hall. But if you dey carry, and you use am, make you know say if you submit am, dem go staple am!’

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Anybody wey attend higher institution for Naija know how first year for university dey be. Plenty people from different departments go dey take some kind general courses like Maths and English and when e reach to take exams, na inside some big halls dem dey write. In our case, the whole freshers for the Education Faculty dey write maths and no hall dey big enough to take everybody. The lecturer decide to use Convocation Arena. From experience, the man know say a lot of the students go go look for engineering and science students wey go take the maths exams for them. So, wetin him do, na to go carry 400 and 500-level engineering and science students to come invigilate. No ask me wetin I go do for the hall o, because me sef na engineering student and I been never reach 400 or 500-level….

Person dey sweat bullets!
Even before exam start, dem done dey nab mercenaries. The Convocation Arena just dey hot. Guys just dey try write fast and comot before somebody wey sabi their face go come catch dem. But you know how things like that dey always be. Devil must find way to punish one or two people wey dem cup done full. One guy just get up go submit answer booklet. As e submit finish dey waka dey go, the invigilator look the name wey dey on top the booklet. Then e look the person wey submit am dey go. E no rhyme. Na him the invigilator shout

‘Jennifer Briggs!’ Jennifer no gree answer.

 ‘Hey you, Jennifer Briggs!’ Jennifer begin waka fast fast.

‘Stop there! I stay stop now! Jennifer!’ Jennifer take off.

The invigilator begin pursue am, dey point am dey shout. ‘Hold that boy! Get hold of him! He says his name is Jennifer! Hold him!’

Na so dem begin pursue the man Jennifer o. I no sure if dem eventually catch am sha. But na that time wey most of the invigilator dem no dey really pay attention to other people, na him I quietly get up, go drop my answer booklet where dem dey keep the ones wey people submit. Then I sneak out of the Arena o. I manage comot without wahala. 

Chei, Thank God o. I no fit shout. Because, that day, my name na Augusta.


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