Friday, June 1, 2012

Armageddon

by Jonas Dogara
‘“Know yourself” no be curse.’

Na wetin our people talk be that. True true, if you no know yourself, na which other thing you go know na? Sometimes e get how somebody go do anyhow and people go look am and ask am ‘You no know yourself?’ or ‘O boy make you know yourself o!’ The thing be say, if you no know yourself well sometimes strong things wey no suppose do you go do you.

Last week Monday I no go work.
No be say to go work no hungry me o.  Actually, na lie be that. To go work no hungry me sha and e for good make the weekend continue, but man must comot go find him garri. Anyway, when I wake up that morning, ‘the spirit’ tell me say to comot for house no go be good idea. Na wetin I for fit tell pastor if to say e ask me be that. But between me and you, na just my belle say make I no comot o. The belle just do one kind and I begin remember something wey happen to me some years ago when I been still dey university.
That morning, around 4 o’clock for morning e be like say somebody just slap me. I jump up from sleep. When I look around me, my four roommates still dey sleep dey snore. After a few seconds, my belle come make one sound. You know that sound na. I realise say nobody slap me o. Na that belle movement na him wake me up so. For the hostel, every four rooms dey share one toilet. We dey lock the toilet and each room get a key to their toilet. I get up, carry toilet roll, take toilet key and waka quick quick go toilet go do my ‘business’. I notice say na dat kind ‘business’ wey you no actually need to put any force before e come out. Just position yourself and… na like that. I finish the thing and go back to my room go continue the sleep.

Big Thing courtesy: www.internetgoon.com
6am and I done wake up. I dey feel very normal and ready for the day. I baff, dress up and go buy food from Madam Kwor (short for Madam Quantity) the woman wey dey sell food for hostel. I buy beans without. You know beans without na.... Just beans wey dem use palm oil cook, no meat or fish. The beans dey plenty, e sweet, e dey belleful and e cheap. I wack the thing quick quick, then go class.

The class start around 8 o’clock. 30 minutes after class start, somebody wey dey form D’Banj begin blow mouth organ inside my belle. Immediately, I remember Madam Kwor beans! I tell myself say nothing dey happen. I fit manage am till the end of the class before I go back hostel go do like that. After maybe another 10 minutes (I no really sure o; who dey look him watch under that kind condition sef?!) e be like say some children dey run round inside my belle dey sing round-and-round-da-village. I begin shift from side to side. You know that type wey you go raise one part of your ‘something’ small and use one part siddon, then after some time the thing go tell you to change the part wey you use siddon and use the other part, abi? Ehen, na that type. I take corner-eye look the people wey siddon near me to see if any of dem done hear the music wey dey come from my belle. Luckily, e be like say dem dey focus on wetin the lecturer dey talk. All, this time wey I dey do all these things, I no dey hear anything wey the lecturer dey teach o, but I dey look straight for the man face! I done dey sweat like Christmas goat too!

I stay there small and I no fit hold am again, so I decide to bone the class and go straight to the hostel. Poor student wey I be, I no blow bike. Hostel no too far from class so I say I fit leg am go there. I come out from class begin waka sharply dey go back to the hostel. As I dey waka like soldier dey go, suddenly the thing go just do like say e wan come out. Like soldier too, I go just change from quick march to slow march. If you done go NYSC camp or see soldiers or police dey parade before, you know wetin I mean. No be just slow o. I go tighten the muscles of the ‘area’ to make sure say nothing drop! But, I no come understand why e be like say everybody wey I know for school come dey follow that road at that same time. And all of dem wan stop stop and hail me, shake hand or hug and gist plenty. These people no see say na Armageddon wan happens so?! And you know how e be na, I no fit just bone dem dey waka or explain to dem wetin dey really happen. Like ten people stop me before I finally reach hostel.

When I reach the hostel, as I see my room door na run I take cover the last 20 metres. I open the door quick quick, throw my books on top bed, grab the toilet key and toilet roll and run dey go toilet. You sabi how devil dey take punish person for sin wey he know even know say he commit? Key no gree enter padlock. After enough struggle, the key enter and padlock no gree open. As I dey do this one, I dey dance that dance (you know the dance na), dey jump from one leg to the other, dey pray to God make He no let devil succeed, dey curse Madam Kwor for giving me beans without, dey wonder why we no dey even leave the toilet open all the time.... The padlock come open, as I dey remove the padlock dey open the door na him Armageddon happen! Just 2 steps to the toilet bowl! The rest, as oyibo talk, na history.

So that last week Monday, as I wake up and the thing do me like e been do me that day years ago, I remember Armageddon. If to say I been take that first belle movement many years ago serious, the thing wey been happen that day no for happen. As an ‘experienced’ man and man wey know himself now, I know wetin to do this time. That kind strong thing no fit do me again. I no dey go anywhere! Whatever fight I need to fight na for my house I go dey fight am. Afterall, nowhere for bible wey dem talk say Armageddon happen two times! And as our people talk, ‘If dog bite you one time, na the dog dey craze. If you allow that same dog to bite you again, na you wey no well!’

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter


15 comments:

  1. hhahahahahahah I wan Die for laugh! I think say I don laugh today this armegeddon wey we de call Opuye (the big One that humble's anyone)wan kill me for laugh. And true true today e get as body do me bt no e belle na under my legs... so I know myself and stay at home.

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    1. I know that under leg belle too o!

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  2. Olboy this 'armageddon' don do me b4 ooo. My own sha na for bus as I dey go Abuja. Na only God save me that day ooo.. Good one

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    1. Na Him dey save us all, my guy. Thank you.

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  3. Sounds funny bt 95% of people ve experienced it including me

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  4. I remember wen I dey uniport,my own bad bcos my class na ofrima last floor,as e start,I manage waka reach abuja park but d queue too long..my mind con jeje tell me to pay 4 taxi..choi my last #200,naim I pay 4 diz drop oh,oh I forget 2 tell u say by diz tym,I dey sweat like christmas goat..wen I reach my room,my roommate no dey room,I forget my key inside my room..d only room I fit think of na my ex-bf room..naim I jeje knock 4 him door..him manage open,him wear boxers n dey sweat..I no talk 2 am,just run go him toilet..release everytyn..+ plenty mess!!! Wen I shit finish..use tissue finish..naim I notice say water no dey rush!!! Hahahahhahahah choi I con go inside him room to explain say water no dey..only to find him new yr1 gf...na so shame me!!! N I no flush am sef hahhahahahhahah

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    1. You done make me know say Armageddon get different types. Your own na with capital letters A and N!

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  5. Lololol! i don laff tire..... Abeg u try wella as u no allow am happen d 2nd time ooooo....

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    1. How man for do na? I no wan be that person wey dog bite two times o!

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  6. Hmmmm,i ave experienced this armaggedon twice,both times while travelling with my boss.O'boy! I pray it doesnt hook me again o.

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    1. The way I see this your own, e be like say na your boss you need to change so e no go happen again o. Or maybe you just need to dey avoid to travel with am. lol. Thanks for reading.

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  7. In fact, e do me just last week as I dey come from Abuja. I first dey form inside the bus, I no wan tallk but wen the thing hook me wella, nobody tell me before I tell driver to stop. I come enter bush do my business. O boy, I stop driver like 3 times before I reach IB o!

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    1. You do the right thing o. Trouble no good. Dat kind forming go make situation wey already bad, even worse!

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  8. Hahahahahahaahah........i no fit laf!! who neva xperience dis kind thing? my own be say, i dey return from church for inside bus for Aba road, e hook me na im hold up enta join. I no believe say i go reach hse without performing d act. As i reach hse, to climb 2 storey building go our flat come b like climbing Kilimanjaro, na so so twist and turn i dey do cos no way to apply speed reach up. But i wan ask, y e be say na wen d belle see d toilet door, things dey dey unbearable?

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    1. Hmmm... that na the spiritual question wey you for ask for Sunday School the next Sunday na. E never too late to ask o!

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