Friday, June 8, 2012

Mother's Day Things

by Jonas Dogara
‘Happy Mother’s Day!’

That na the message wey a lot of people been dey send to their mama dem some weeks ago. For Facebook and Twitter and plenty other different places na different messages like ‘To the best mum in the world, Happy Mother’s Day’, ‘To the woman who gave me all I have, Happy Mother’s Day’ and ‘Without you who would I be? Happy Mother’s Day’ we been dey see. The ones wey their mama dem done die too dey remember their mothers and still tell dem ‘thank you’ for wetin dem been do when dem dey alive. For our churches too e been dey happen. Special Thanksgiving offerings been dey. The mama dem dress to kill. We been dey see head tie dem wey look like DSTV dish (everybody wey dey for the back of that head tie no dey see pastor!) and the ones wey been dey like say the people wey wear dem just burst out from Calabar Carnival and miss road enter church! That day nobody mama dey be winch o! Nobody mama dey quarrel and fight for road. Nobody mama dey smoke igbo (or gem or dope or tikpai or pepper or marijuana). That day everybody mama na the best…. Anyway, that no be the wahala.
On the last Mother’s Day, I see one post for Facebook.

‘A wonderful gem, a virtuous woman, a spirit-filled Christian and an extraordinary mum. I would not exchange you for another. Happy Mother’s Day.’

I shock! I shock no be small. You know that kind shock wey you go shout ‘Aaaahhhh!’ like Yoruba man and open your eyes and mouth until fly enter, abi? Na wetin I dey talk about be that. When I finally close my mouth, the next thing I shout na ‘How can?’ Then I make sharp phone call. This my shock no be because person mama no fit be all these things wey dem write for that Facebook post o. Afterall, I know say your mama correct like that too (I dey cut you eye!). The thing be say I know the girl wey post this thing and I know her mama.

For our area when I small e get one joint where dem dey sell chak. No be chak like Malt, Star and Stout o. The other type. You know na. E get plenty names, depending on where you grow up. People wey go school too much dey call am illicit gin (Dem dey mad! Wetin make am illicit? Na adultery?). Some dey call am kaikai or akpeteshie or paraga. The name wey I like pass na Abua First Eleven (AF11). So for that joint dem dey sell AF11 with plenty different roots, leaves and other things wey I no know, and all those things dey give the drinks different different colour. Some people wey dey go there say no be just to make eye durty o. Dem say those drink dem dey cure sickness! I done nearly ask one man wetin dey sick am but my liver fail me…. People dey full the place and the woman wey get the place dey busy well well. All those people wey dey carry radio dey waka dey sell cassette go stop there dey play music. After some shots of AF11, people go begin dance anyhow. The thing wey been dey sweet me pass na say the woman no dey let the men wey drink there to jones inside the place. Once dem begin jogodo, other customers go just help push or carry dem outside sharply. Plenty times I done see people dey jones well well when dem come out from that zinc joint! One day I dey pass there na him I see as dem carry one man come out. The man just push the people wey carry am out, waka small and stand in the middle of road begin set Chinese! E dey set Chinese like Bruce Lee dey shout ‘Eyaaaaaah! Eyaaaaaah!’

Wetin make I dey tell una this long story be say na that woman, wey dem dey talk about for the Facebook post, get that joint. The sharp phone call wey I been make na to some of my guys wey still dey live for that area to ask dem if the joint still dey. Them tell me say e still dey and the owner dey kampe!
‘How can?’ I ask myself again. So I go back to the girl post for Facebook and I begin write one long comment under. As I dey write, I come begin think am…. Maybe, just maybe, the babe no actually lie for her comment o. True fit dey inside wetin she dey talk about her mama. Make we look am like this

(a)    A wonderful gem – Ehm… anybody wey been be young person in the 90s for Port Harcourt go know say ‘gem’ na another name for marijuana! And I hear say for that joint dem dey mix the gem with the AF11. Na the result dey make people feel like say dem be Bruce Lee or Jackie Chan, come dey set Chinese for road. So maybe na the gem the mama dey sell na him the pikin dey try relate to. The babe fit correct there.

(b)   A virtuous woman – That na woman wey get good character and dey do good abi? If you ask the people wey dey go that joint, I dey sure say dem go say the woman na very good woman. Afterall, dem say her AF11 and other things (gem, cigar, kola and dog meat) no cost at all. And she dey give the main customers on credit too. Again, e be like say the babe talk true here.

(c)    Spirit-filled Christian – For Naija if you no be Muslim then you be Christian. Full stop. Even if na for your house dem dey naked dey dance mami water dance and na your papa be the head of the Evil Forest Committee for una village, as long as you no dey go mosque on Fridays but you dey reach church sometimes, then you be Christian. So this woman na Christian. Also, AF11 na spirit o. Na so my Social Studies teacher talk. Hmmm… E dey like say na Home Economics o. No, sorry,  na pastor actually talk am. No worry, e no matter joor! Dem say na spirit. And you know say when men dey buy chak dem dey like show off too. Dem dey buy for others and sometimes dey dey even buy for the girl or woman wey dey sell. ‘Madam take one shot too’ no dey hard at all. Therefore, the woman dey full with spirit sometimes. That na another true talk by the babe.

(d)   Extraordinary woman – That one no hard to believe at all. She get to dey extraordinary for her to fit command her customers to carry their fellow customer wey dey jones out of her zinc kaikai joint, and dem dey obey sharp sharp! Correct point too!

(e)    I would not exchange you for another – Hmmm… this one get small wahala. The question wey I for like ask the babe na say ‘If dem give you Patience Jonathan minus her umblerra, you no go exchange mama quick quick?’ Maybe she no go exchange, but I no really sure.

So, when I look the whole thing finish I realise say maybe the girl get point o. She fit really know wetin she dey talk. So I delete everything I been dey write under that her status and I replace am with one sentence.

‘God is watching you!’

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter


  1. na so pple dey yarn plenty lies ontop fb o sake of say we no know dem reach say you no sabi dis girl mama nw, we for no suspect

  2. Is that even English?