Friday, June 22, 2012

Monkey Business

by Jonas Dogara
You dey use Twitter? Maybe you dey use am. If you no dey use am, you are on a loooooong thing! You need to go there and start to follow me sharply! If you dey use am, then you go done see UberFacts. If you never see am, then you too dey on a looong thing (with less Os). Those UberFacts people dey tweet plenty crase things dem wey go make your mind dey go places wey e no suppose go at all! Some of the tweet dem eh…

Anyway, on June 15, 2012 I see one tweet by UberFacts wey been sweet me, no be small. See the tweet under.

You see am? The one inside the red box. Okay, you dey think wetin I dey think? No lie, you dey think wetin I dey think! Somehow to be monkey no look like bad idea abi? No be anyhow monkey o. Na the ones wey come from the tribe of Bonobo near Calabar! Na lie, no mind me. UberFacts no talk that one.

But you done dey imagine how you go just dey swing from tree to tree and as you dey swing you go jam okpeke monkey and things go begin happen? Yes, I done think am too. What if you come jam like 5 okpeke monkey dem? See groove! But e go hard small. I dey wonder if the guy monkey fit shift greeting to another time… E go be like

‘Hello babes. Abeg, I go greet Ekaette, Timi and Nkechi now. Zainab and Tope, I fit reach una area later this evening for greeting?’

Swinging Monkey courtesy www.free-funnypictures.cc
Some bobos no go gree dey enter house again o! Na swinging galore. Once you see say one tree dey shake (wey dey indicate say somebody dey move), you go just begin jump from one tree to another in the hope say you go intercept the person wey dey move.

If you come jam monkey wey wowor well well… How e go be? E fit be say na fine babe monkey jam wowor guy monkey. 

Guy monkey go be like ‘Amina! Amina!’ Amina go do like say she no hear.

‘Amina, na me, Akpos, dey call you.’ By that time, Akpos done jump go stand for the next tree wey Amina suppose jump go, so that she must see am. ‘You no go greet me?’

Amina go look Akpos and with straight face say ‘Na who you dey call Amina? My name na Hafsat and I no be monkey o. I be baboon!’

‘Baboon ko, bambi ni! No be you wey…’ Ehm… you fit complete the rest…

Greeting go become big issue o. What if two different guy monkey dem dey waka their own and come jam babe monkey at the same time? How e go be? Who she go greet first? Well, na yawa go gas for that place immediately!

But what if two guy monkey or two babe monkey dem come jam? Ehen, those UberFact people wey write that thing been forget to talk how that one go be. I done dey try reason the thing small sha and… 

Wetin I talk? I reason wetin? No be me go begin think go that side o. Say guy monkey and guy monkey dey… Lai lai, I no reason anything! You know how e be na. For Naija, our wonderful government say even if na only think you think am sef, and dem manage find out say you been think that kind thing (police done dey employ dibia), na 14 years for that place! You know that place na. Some people like Alamieyeseigha and Bode George done reach there recently and Ibori dey there now. I no mean London o. I no fit shout!

Back to monkey business…. Guys, no need to buy Brazilian, Indian, Peruvian or any other nationality of hair o! No need to borrow money from bank to buy big car or spend your last kobo to tush up your crib and no need to plan any dates. In fact, no need to need to dey talk plenty lie too. Na only one lie wey you fit talk and that na say anytime your runs enter and you jam babe monkey for road, you go say ‘I been just dey stroll pass’. As for babes, wetin you wan carry expensive shoes and bags do, when all you need na to come out of your house or tree?

See the amount of time you (I no follow!) take dey dream of being monkey sef! Chei! God help you!

PS: If God never still help you by the time you read reach this point, you fit still think of more monkey-meet-monkey scenarios and let us know!


This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter


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