You Must Dub

I dey vex. Yes, I dey vex. Yes, no remind me say no be only me dey vex. You sef fit dey vex right now too. E fit be say your laptop computer or your phone dey about to off now as you never charge am because of NEPA (or PHCN if you believe wetin dem dey tell us). E fit just be say you just see lipstick stain for him shirt and him dey rake say ‘something no fit stain man shirt again?’ Or e fit just be say… Over-yarning! Wetin I dey talk be say you sef fit dey vex like me for something wey dey happen for your life or our country

Wetin dey make me vex now na exams. Last time I talk about exams and some kind things wey I done experience wey dey make me laugh anytime I remember them. True true, exam wayo and expo na bad things, but sometimes the way these bad things dey happen and dem dey make us laugh. But that na sometimes. In fact, na few times. Most of the time e dey just make belle turn person (that is if no be you carry the bullet or dey do the dubbing). Right now my belle dey turn me.

No need for this!

Somebody close to me dey write the May/June NECO O’ Level Exams. She ask for money the other day to go exam and I shake my head as I dey look her.

‘I think say you done already pay exam fee. Wetin you wan carry N1500 do?’ I ask.

She say ‘If we no pay N1500, dem no go even let us enter the hall o!’

I open eye, mouth and nose dey look her. ‘How?!’

‘The other day wey we write Biology Practicals, na wetin happen. Na my friend borrow me the money I use pay. And dem say when e reach Maths and English, the price go go up.’ She dey explain.

‘You sure say no be for expo?’ I reply.

‘Dem say with that one, we fit do anything wey we like. So even if you no wan copy sef, you must pay the money or dem go frustrate you.’

I wan mad! I no fit understand wetin I dey hear. I know say exam malpractice done come to stay for our system. At every level e be like say to copy or bring somebody to write exam for another person done turn to normal thing. E no dey like say anybody get problem with am. Nobody dey really complain about am. But I no know say we done reach that level where we dey insist say people must copy whether dem like am or not… or dem must pay to copy whether dem wan copy or not. So this girl wey wan write her exam, the way exam suppose dey, must pay money now or she go fail.

I ask her about their teachers and she tell me say na dem and the External Supervisor dey do the thing. Principal nko? She dey come inside the hall sometimes, look the area and see say the dubbing dey go on fine. Then she go waka! Principal too!

This na the very way!

When I write my English paper for WAEC, I remember wetin happen between principal and one of my classmates wey hide Key Points inside pant enter hall. I no know whether e wan copy essay or comprehension from the Key Points o. That our principal, no be normal cane e dey carry o. Na small bamboo stick e dey carry. E carry that thing for many years and e no break! When e catch the boy with the Key Points ehn, e just wrestle the boy comot for him sit, bring out the bamboo, begin tidy the boy one hand! As e dey whip am, the boy dey shout ‘Sir please sir! Sir please sir!’ By the time e finish with the boy, to siddon write the exam sef na wahala. The boy look like say e wrestle with Amalinze the Cat! I know say the guy been dey talk say na because of the flogging e no pass English, but that na fat lie. With the kind English wey e take dey beg as principal dey light am up sef, hope no dey! The point be say e no possible for person to copy when teachers dey sef not to talk of principal.

So now we get problem wey get different parts. We dey tell our young people say all you need for this country na to pay the right amount of money and you go get anything you want. We dey tell the children of poor people (wey their parents done struggle to pay exam fee) say dem no fit pass unless dem go thief. We dey produce secondary school leavers wey no know dem left from dem right. Then dem go use magumagu enter university and dem go continue to dey pay until dem graduate. Which kind graduates wey dey expect then? The type wey dey ask ‘Abeg where I go turn?’ when dem hear command of ‘Left turn!’

We human beings go always try to cheat the system and get everything wey dem fit get from am without punishment. But we expect say the system go dey make attempt to prevent people from succeeding. But in our own e dey like say the system dey actually make sure say people wey no wan cheat sef dey cheat! Only for Naija…

Also, make we no forget say this examination malpractice thing na criminal offence o. Actually, according to our law, person fit go prison for 21 years if dem catch am dey do this kind thing. Ehm… we still dey wait for the first person wey go go that prison sha.

Seriously sha, we need to do something. We no go fit continue like this and expect say our country go better. Personally, I get plans. This man wey wan chop N1500… Hmmm… I sure say e no dey read newspaper. Because if e dey read newspaper e go done read about Farouk Lawan, Femi Odetola, Bribe Money and Sting Operations….

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Staples and Augusta

For no reason at all, I just decide say today na for exams. Maybe na because I dey write some kind of exam now…

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I look my friend and the e look me too with one kind funny look for him face. Then I shout ‘Hey, staple it! I say staple it!’

My friend scatter laugh. My sister just dey look us. I sure say she dey wonder which leaf we done smoke.

That na the shout wey one old lecturer, we been get for university, shout one day o. The man go done reach like 106 years old at that time. Now e fit dey anywhere around 150 yrs old! E dey wear like two eye glasses. One thick pass coke bottle, and e be like say na the one e dey take read. The other one look like goggles wey e dey use practice welding when nobody dey around. E dey like say na Gaddhafi dash am that one. Anyway, na exam hall we dey, dey write one of those wicked exams wey the guy dey set. Lecturers wey dey invigilate just full everywhere dey do their thing. Every few minutes, dem go catch somebody wey hold dubs and dem go collect him paper. That na sharp carry over. Abeg no dey inside. 

Exam no easy!

After like two hours, some people done dey finish dey submit their papers. You know say if exam never finish, and you submit your paper, sometimes the lecturer wey you submit to go just open the paper, to see wetin you write. Some people wey no know wetin to write, no dey gree submit their paper until dem say ‘pens up!’ so that dem no go receive their F before exam finish! So, this young man just get up, submit him answer booklet and waka. As e just dey comot for hall, the lecturer wey e submit the booklet to, just open am. As e open am, two pages of paper (with enough writing on top) just fly out of the booklet. When the lecturer pick the papers and look dem, no be part of the answer booklet. Na dubs!

Na as the old lecturer see the thing, e begin shout make dem staple the dubs to the answer booklet. Imagine the animalae! E manage use dubs successfully for that military zone finish and leave am inside him answer booklet go submit am. Devil no fit punish you pass like that. I hear say the guy fail the course again even when e write am the next year. Somebody also talk say for the guy to pass, some village people been come see the old man…

Because of wetin happen for that exam, anytime something bad happen for exam for my class, we go just look each other and one person go shout ‘Staple it!’

So, I look my sister wey dey just dey go write her exam. Na exam wahala wey she yarn us about dey make us remember wetin been happen to her. Then, I tell her say ‘Abeg, no tell me if you dey carry ‘bullets’ inside pant or bra or tights dey enter hall. But if you dey carry, and you use am, make you know say if you submit am, dem go staple am!’

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Anybody wey attend higher institution for Naija know how first year for university dey be. Plenty people from different departments go dey take some kind general courses like Maths and English and when e reach to take exams, na inside some big halls dem dey write. In our case, the whole freshers for the Education Faculty dey write maths and no hall dey big enough to take everybody. The lecturer decide to use Convocation Arena. From experience, the man know say a lot of the students go go look for engineering and science students wey go take the maths exams for them. So, wetin him do, na to go carry 400 and 500-level engineering and science students to come invigilate. No ask me wetin I go do for the hall o, because me sef na engineering student and I been never reach 400 or 500-level….

Person dey sweat bullets!

Even before exam start, dem done dey nab mercenaries. The Convocation Arena just dey hot. Guys just dey try write fast and comot before somebody wey sabi their face go come catch dem. But you know how things like that dey always be. Devil must find way to punish one or two people wey dem cup done full. One guy just get up go submit answer booklet. As e submit finish dey waka dey go, the invigilator look the name wey dey on top the booklet. Then e look the person wey submit am dey go. E no rhyme. Na him the invigilator shout

‘Jennifer Briggs!’ Jennifer no gree answer.

 ‘Hey you, Jennifer Briggs!’ Jennifer begin waka fast fast.

‘Stop there! I stay stop now! Jennifer!’ Jennifer take off.

The invigilator begin pursue am, dey point am dey shout. ‘Hold that boy! Get hold of him! He says his name is Jennifer! Hold him!’

Na so dem begin pursue the man Jennifer o. I no sure if dem eventually catch am sha. But na that time wey most of the invigilator dem no dey really pay attention to other people, na him I quietly get up, go drop my answer booklet where dem dey keep the ones wey people submit. Then I sneak out of the Arena o. I manage comot without wahala. 

Chei, Thank God o. I no fit shout. Because, that day, my name na Augusta.

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Monkey Business

You dey use Twitter? Maybe you dey use am. If you no dey use am, you are on a loooooong thing! You need to go there and start to follow me sharply! If you dey use am, then you go done see UberFacts. If you never see am, then you too dey on a looong thing (with less Os). Those UberFacts people dey tweet plenty crase things dem wey go make your mind dey go places wey e no suppose go at all! Some of the tweet dem eh…

Anyway, on June 15, 2012 I see one tweet by UberFacts wey been sweet me, no be small. See the tweet under.

You see am? The one inside the red box. Okay, you dey think wetin I dey think? No lie, you dey think wetin I dey think! Somehow to be monkey no look like bad idea abi? No be anyhow monkey o. Na the ones wey come from the tribe of Bonobo near Calabar! Na lie, no mind me. UberFacts no talk that one.

But you done dey imagine how you go just dey swing from tree to tree and as you dey swing you go jam okpeke monkey and things go begin happen? Yes, I done think am too. What if you come jam like 5 okpeke monkey dem? See groove! But e go hard small. I dey wonder if the guy monkey fit shift greeting to another time… E go be like

‘Hello babes. Abeg, I go greet Ekaette, Timi and Nkechi now. Zainab and Tope, I fit reach una area later this evening for greeting?’

Swinging Monkey courtesy www.free-funnypictures.cc

Some bobos no go gree dey enter house again o! Na swinging galore. Once you see say one tree dey shake (wey dey indicate say somebody dey move), you go just begin jump from one tree to another in the hope say you go intercept the person wey dey move.

If you come jam monkey wey wowor well well… How e go be? E fit be say na fine babe monkey jam wowor guy monkey. 

Guy monkey go be like ‘Amina! Amina!’ Amina go do like say she no hear.

‘Amina, na me, Akpos, dey call you.’ By that time, Akpos done jump go stand for the next tree wey Amina suppose jump go, so that she must see am. ‘You no go greet me?’

Amina go look Akpos and with straight face say ‘Na who you dey call Amina? My name na Hafsat and I no be monkey o. I be baboon!’

‘Baboon ko, bambi ni! No be you wey…’ Ehm… you fit complete the rest…

Greeting go become big issue o. What if two different guy monkey dem dey waka their own and come jam babe monkey at the same time? How e go be? Who she go greet first? Well, na yawa go gas for that place immediately!

But what if two guy monkey or two babe monkey dem come jam? Ehen, those UberFact people wey write that thing been forget to talk how that one go be. I done dey try reason the thing small sha and… 

Wetin I talk? I reason wetin? No be me go begin think go that side o. Say guy monkey and guy monkey dey… Lai lai, I no reason anything! You know how e be na. For Naija, our wonderful government say even if na only think you think am sef, and dem manage find out say you been think that kind thing (police done dey employ dibia), na 14 years for that place! You know that place na. Some people like Alamieyeseigha and Bode George done reach there recently and Ibori dey there now. I no mean London o. I no fit shout!

Back to monkey business…. Guys, no need to buy Brazilian, Indian, Peruvian or any other nationality of hair o! No need to borrow money from bank to buy big car or spend your last kobo to tush up your crib and no need to plan any dates. In fact, no need to need to dey talk plenty lie too. Na only one lie wey you fit talk and that na say anytime your runs enter and you jam babe monkey for road, you go say ‘I been just dey stroll pass’. As for babes, wetin you wan carry expensive shoes and bags do, when all you need na to come out of your house or tree?

See the amount of time you (I no follow!) take dey dream of being monkey sef! Chei! God help you!

PS: If God never still help you by the time you read reach this point, you fit still think of more monkey-meet-monkey scenarios and let us know!

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Operation Belleful

Our people talk say if you continue to dey do the same thing and dey expect say the result go change, your head no correct. Actually, I no sure say na our people talk am sha, but I been hear am somewhere… No worry about who talk am. Just believe am with faith. You know the kind faith wey bible talk say… Sorry, I done dey yarn plenty. Wetin I been dey try talk be say, sometimes maybe we need to siddon think about these problems, our own ‘peculiar’ circumstances and then come up with a solution wey go work for us. 

E get one woman I been know a long time ago. The woman na house wife with a banker husband and 5 pikin. The husband na big oga for bank and e dey comot for house very early and come back late for night. So, na the woman dey take care of the children and take care of the house too. If you see dem, everything look fine and everybody dey hail dem as example of wetin family suppose to be like. But then, dem come get small wahala.

The woman notice say e be like say small small money dem wey she dey keep for house done dey loss. The first time wey e happen, the woman think say maybe she done use the money but forget. After e happen again and again, she realise say no be forget matter. Something dey wey dey make money dey disappear for the house. In fact, na somebody dey thief am. She know say her husband no go begin thief money wey him dey give her (even if na him be Anini or Shina Rambo sef!) and no be she dey thief her own money, so e must be the children. When she ask dem, everybody deny. Who go gree say na him be the rat?

So the woman begin set small small trap for them and one day she catch the boy wey dey thief. Him name na Julius. If you see nack wey this woman nack this pikin and the way the boy dey shout eh… you go believe say e go give him life to Christ there and then and e no go thief again. If you believe am, then you make mistake! Julius no gree stop to thief o. As e dey thief, na so e dey lie. After many months of flogging Julius, the woman tire. She threaten am with police, no way. She say she go take am go juju house, no way. She even threaten to cut of him ‘tanta’, no way! The bros dey thief dey go.

So one day the woman come siddon dey think. Wetin fit be the reason why this boy decide say e no go stop to thief him mama money? School fees, e no dey pay for himself. Books, e no dey buy for himself. Cloth and shoe, e no dey buy for himself. E never reach to pursue woman, so no be woman dey make am thief. Food, e dey chop for house and school… Hmmm… maybe na food! E must be food wey be the problem. Maybe e dey use the money dey buy things for school dey chop! So, the woman decide say she go execute a very nice plan to stop this problem. She call am Operation Belleful.

So, the next time wey the woman notice say her money done disappear, she no talk. She just go market, buy food things, come back and make food for everybody. When the children come back from school, she tell dem say food done ready and make everybody go carry their food. As Julius carry him food, e notice say the garri wey dey him plate no be the normal size but the soup na normal size. The garri look like three times normal. When e ask him mama why him garri dey like that, she say make e no worry, make e just dey eat. So Julius begin eat. When e eat as e like finish, e get up to carry the remaining one go kitchen. The mama call am back.

‘Julius, where you dey go?’

‘I dey go kitchen’, Julius reply.

‘You done chop finish?’, the mama ask am.

‘Yes mummy, I done finish.’

‘I mean, you done finish the garri?’

‘I no finish am, but…’

‘Oya siddon there, finish the garri now. Naomi, go bring me cane.’ Na there, Julius see say e be like say wahala dey. Him sister run go bring cane give the mama and Julius begin chop again. 

You know say soup done almost finish for the soup plate, yet mountain of garri still dey the other plate. When e chop, chop, chop, and garri come hook am for chest, e shout ‘Mummy, I want water.’

The mama lash am two strokes! ‘C’mon chop!’ Bros dey chop dey cry. Tears, mixed with cartarrh and garri and egusi… everything just dey enter mouth. Na so Julius, under flogging, chop the mountain of garri finish.

Bros wey chop belleful courtesy Power Line Sunday

When e finish, the guy look like say e done get belle. Na him the mama say ‘Julius, my son. As I done finally realise say na because you no dey chop belleful for this house, na him make you dey thief my money, I decide say from now on you go dey chop well. I go dey make special food for you. This afternoon, na 3 cups of garri I make for you, wey you done finish so. You belleful abi? So, go kitchen go wash the plate them. When you finish your homework, make you select beans. This evening, everybody go chop rice, but for you na beans. I go cook 3 cups for you and you go finish am!’

Julius run come our house with him long belle, kneel down for ground, begin dey cry dey beg my grandmama make she go beg him mama. The plenty garri wey e chop no even gree am talk well! 

Well, to cut long story short. Na that day the relationship between Julius and thief thief end o. When e think of 3 cups of beans for evening, just some hours after 3 cups of garri, e just dey enough to cause complete repentance. The part wey sweet pass na say, from that time, if Julius begin misbehave for house, him mama go just look am and ask am ‘Julius, you wan eat?’ and e go just be!

So, the next time wey you get that wahala wey dey like say all the normal solution dem no dey work, make you think of something different. Your own special type of Operation Belleful fit just make the difference.

PS: For those of una wey dey where flogging pikin or giving dem too much garri fit take you go sanko (jail) and as you read this thing, you done dey get ideas… Abeg no talk say na me advice you o. I wasn’t follow.

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No Need Na

‘Never give up’, ‘It’s never over until it’s over’, ‘You are only a failure when you accept failure’, etc. You done hear these things before abi? These na standard talk for anybody wey say him be motivational speaker or anybody wey dey try ginger people to achieve things. Sometimes e be like say the whole world dey try to teach us how to get ‘strong head’ and dey stubborn and not to dey gree. All these talk dey sound correct for ear when dem dey talk am sha. The wahala be say nobody dey actually remember to tell us say sometimes e get the kind situation dem wey we no go fit do anything about o. E get situation dem wey we suppose just accept because nothing else we fit do about dem. And if we see am early say we no go fit do anything to change the situation, maybe we fit manage ‘make the most’ of wetin we get at that time.

Last week, I been go see one of my guys for Town. The guy dey stay for an area wey we dey call Colombia. From the name alone, I dey sure say you done already know how the area be. Some kind strong men dey the area and na dem dey make sure say that name wey we dey call the area no be mistake! Na the headquarters for selling any kind thing wey dey make eye dutty for Port Harcourt be that o. Nothing wey human being dey drink, smoke, sniff or inject wey dem no dey sell there. Also, if you dey find ‘other things’ to take ‘help yourself’, dem dey there too.

Dope-Y

As I done dey near my guy place na him I begin hear a lot of people dey shout ‘Owor o! Owor o!’ If you know the area wey I dey talk about, then you go know say that na the code wey guys dey use when police or any of them cousin dem decide to show for the area. Immediately people hear this code, dem go just begin vanish like willy willy! 

As I see people dey take off sharp sharp like this, I begin hear ‘Stop there! Stop there! If you move, I move you!’ Na that time I see wetin dey pursue people so. Some men with gun dey like say dem done catch one or two young guys and dey chase other ones. After like one minute, e be like say na one backyard dem come dey focus. When people see say na just a group of people wey the men with gun dey pursue dem come stop dey look. I dey hear plenty people just dey shout up and down dey point something for that backyard. E no tey na him I see some of the men wey carry gun dey drag one boy wey slim like Snoop Dogg dey come out. As dem dey drag am, one of dem dey sound him head like say e want the guy eyes to fall out. I just waka dey go my way.

I reach my guy house and I come dey tell am wetin I just see. So e call one of him brothers and ask am wetin just happen. The guy say some young bobo dem been dey that backyard dey ‘solar’ themselves (dem dey smoke ‘igbo’) and dey play gamble. Suddenly, dem hear ‘Owor o! Owor o!’ na him everybody begin vamoose! Na NDLEA done come to raid the area. Na just two people fit escape before the NDLEA corner them for the place. Guys just dey throway their dope inside gutter quick quick so that NDLEA no go catch dem with the thing for their hand. 

The interesting part na one particular guy wey been see things differently o. As the guy see say dem done corner am and no way for am to escape, na him e begin smoke the igbo fast fast. Him guys dey shout ‘Drop am! Drop am! Na exhibit, drop am!’ 

The bros just dey shift dey go back dey smoke the thing with power. NDLEA dey shout ‘You still dey smoke am? This criminal, you still dey smoke the ‘igbo’?’

The guy just dey dodge dem dey shout with that voice (you know that voice wey dem dey use when dem dey smoke that thing wey dey sound like say dem lick ice-block wey come from mortuary) say ‘No need na! (puff puff) No need! (puff puff) Dem done catch me already na! (puff puff) No need! (puff puff).’ 

Na so the guy take blow him ‘igbo’ finish before dem finally catch am. Na that slim guy wey I been see dem dey sound that time. 

The whole thing just make me laugh sha. But somewhere deep inside me I understand this guy. If you go receive punishment for something, no matter wetin you do, you know say nothing you fit do to prevent that punishment from coming, at least make you do that thing well! No need to dey tell yourself ‘Don’t give up’ because you know say whether your give up or give down, e no go affect wetin go happen. Recognize the situation, tell yourself 'No need na', then smoke your ‘igbo’ or do whatever thing wey done land you for soup!

When koboko go dey smooch him back for NDLEA office, the guy fit dey smile....

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For Grandma

Those days when we still dey primary school, TV no too plenty and coloured TV dey very hard to find. You sabi how some of those children dem, wey get coloured TV for house, go come school come dey tell us how Rambo blood na green if we see am for their TV, abi? Since na for black-and-white TV we dey watch our own Rambo, how we wan take drag with dem na? The coloured TV wey I dey talk about na proper coloured o. No be those black-and-white TV wey dem go carry purple waterproof cover and dem become coloured o. Anyhow, we dey like to watch WWF (wrestling) in those days and e dey sweet to watch am for colour. The wahala be say na black-and-white TV we get for house. Anyway, e get one house for our street wey dem get coloured TV. So, na there we dey like go watch am, but the wicked people wey dey live there no dey like let us come full their parlour to watch TV. The solution na to gather for their window, and na wetin my grandmama hate be that. She no fit understand why I go leave TV wey dey my house, go stand for another person window to watch TV. She warn me tire make I no dey go there but I no dey hear word. Once I see say wrestling time done reach and she dey sleep for house or she done comot, me sef done run with my friends to that house and take position for the window!

Courtesy: ClipProject

One day wey I waka that kind waka na him devil punish me. That day she go market and as she dey go she tell me say make I no go anywhere o. Say make I dey our house front dey play with my friend dem. As she comot, na him we run go that our favourite window. The wrestling just dey sweet us and I forget myself. I no look time. As Hulk Hogan done begin charge and dey ready to nack one man wey been dey beat am since, na him hand from nowhere just grab my hand. I turn look and na my grandmama. Her face done rumple! E be like say the woman no go to buy plenty things for market and she return quick. I no fit believe wetin I dey see. She just drag me comot for the crowd of small pikin dem wey dey watch wrestling. Nobody even turn look me sef. All of dem dey look Hulk Hogan! Wicked children! As I open my mouth to explain myself, my legs dey shake and the thing wey comot for my mouth na ‘Mama welcome’. She just say ‘Thank you’, one slim cane just appear for her right hand and she begin tidy me sharply! Na my leg she dey flog o! As she dey flog my legs with the cane for her right hand, she hold my hand very strong with her left hand so that I no fit bail and she dey talk ‘These your legs (whack!) wey you no (whack!) fit take stay (whack!) for one place (whack!) I go cut am today (whack!)’. I just dey jump dey shout ‘Mama! Mama! Mama!’ She flog me until we reach house. No be just the flog pain me o. Na the shame say as she dey flog me for road dey go house, people dey look me. But na that day me and window business end o. I come dey watch am for black-and-white abeg! Black-and-white Hulk Hogan still correct. Afterall, where coloured Hulk Hogan dey when Mama dey gimme samba?

E get so many other things wey my grandmama been do me o. Strong things wey I no go forget. Those people wey say grandmama dem dey spoil grandpikin dem no meet my grandmama o. She go tell you say ‘I dey sweet, but I dey bitter too!’ You no go understand wetin e be until, one day, your cup go full and she go treat your mess up like I just describe or in another way. Which one I go talk and which one I go leave? Abi na when she been dey come find me for football field and pursue me go back to our house with cane or na when she dey threaten to pour one girl (wey been dey come find me) water, if she no leave me to read book? What about those 12 midnight flogging dem? You know when you done shit big shit for church (that na your house) and you go just dey avoid your house dey hope say if dem no see you dem go forget wetin you do, abi? My grandmama no dey forget o. When I play outside tire, I go quietly enter house for evening. She go tell me say make I go take my food chop. When I chop finish, na TV and sleep. Around midnight, hand go just tap me. When I wake up, na my grandmama. Then we go siddon and discuss the sin wey I commit that day and depending on wetin I been do, the cane fit show. All that hide wey I been hide? Rubbish! She no dey forget narthing!

I think of my grandmama sha and smile because of the kind work wey she and many other grandmama dem done do for our lives. Work wey we no dey really thank dem for. Anybody wey get correct grandmama, go understand wetin I dey talk. The kind wahala people dey give their grandmama dem no be small thing. I know one boy wey been sabi cry well well. When the boy don begin dey cry anyhow and nobody (including him mama) gree answer am again e go waka go meet him grandmama. Wetin you go hear na ‘Mama tell me sorry’. Mama go do like say she no hear. ‘Mama tell me sorry na.’ Mama still dey chew chewing stick dey look another place. ‘Mama naaaaa, Mama….’ E go dey cry dey drag him grandmama wrapper. Mama go come say ‘Hey, this pikin! You wan naked me? Oya sorry, no cry again’, then she go carry am. The things wey grandmama dem dey see! This boy now done tall like dongoyaro tree and dey drive big motor, but thank God say e no dey drag him grandmama wrapper again. Na skirt and jeans e dey drag these days and e no mind who wear am!

Na as I siddon for house, late in the evening on the last Mother’s Day after I done address that girl Facebook status message finish (you remember her, abi?) na him I begin think of these things…. While everybody busy dey write plenty status messages and tweets about dem mama, I no see any message for anybody grandmama. Abi people wey dey use Facebook and Twitter no get grandmama dem again? Or maybe on that day everybody grandmama na winch! No, I no mean everybody. Your grandmama no follow o. Na those other people own I mean. I sure say your grandmama too take care of you like my own do me. The thing wey fit different na the ‘pattern’ wey she use. 

As I look back now, I realise say without all these strong things attached to their love, care and devotion, some of our lives for no be as e be today o. My life for scatter scatter like Terry G dada! So I dey remember my grandmama on Mother’s Day too and I say ‘Mama, thank you and continue to rest in peace where you dey. When I reach there, Mama, I go try to behave myself as you always want am. But just to dey sure, I go also try to hide that slim cane (Yes, na me been dey always hide am!). I dey make all these plans because something dey tell me say even though dem no dey allow cane for that place, you go done manage find your slim cane and you keep am somewhere dey wait for me!’

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

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Mother's Day Things

‘Happy Mother’s Day!’

That na the message wey a lot of people been dey send to their mama dem some weeks ago. For Facebook and Twitter and plenty other different places na different messages like ‘To the best mum in the world, Happy Mother’s Day’, ‘To the woman who gave me all I have, Happy Mother’s Day’ and ‘Without you who would I be? Happy Mother’s Day’ we been dey see. The ones wey their mama dem done die too dey remember their mothers and still tell dem ‘thank you’ for wetin dem been do when dem dey alive. For our churches too e been dey happen. Special Thanksgiving offerings been dey. The mama dem dress to kill. We been dey see head tie dem wey look like DSTV dish (everybody wey dey for the back of that head tie no dey see pastor!) and the ones wey been dey like say the people wey wear dem just burst out from Calabar Carnival and miss road enter church! That day nobody mama dey be winch o! Nobody mama dey quarrel and fight for road. Nobody mama dey smoke igbo (or gem or dope or tikpai or pepper or marijuana). That day everybody mama na the best…. Anyway, that no be the wahala.

On the last Mother’s Day, I see one post for Facebook.

‘A wonderful gem, a virtuous woman, a spirit-filled Christian and an extraordinary mum. I would not exchange you for another. Happy Mother’s Day.’

I shock! I shock no be small. You know that kind shock wey you go shout ‘Aaaahhhh!’ like Yoruba man and open your eyes and mouth until fly enter, abi? Na wetin I dey talk about be that. When I finally close my mouth, the next thing I shout na ‘How can?’ Then I make sharp phone call. This my shock no be because person mama no fit be all these things wey dem write for that Facebook post o. Afterall, I know say your mama correct like that too (I dey cut you eye!). The thing be say I know the girl wey post this thing and I know her mama.

For our area when I small e get one joint where dem dey sell chak. No be chak like Malt, Star and Stout o. The other type. You know na. E get plenty names, depending on where you grow up. People wey go school too much dey call am illicit gin (Dem dey mad! Wetin make am illicit? Na adultery?). Some dey call am kaikai or akpeteshie or paraga. The name wey I like pass na Abua First Eleven (AF11). So for that joint dem dey sell AF11 with plenty different roots, leaves and other things wey I no know, and all those things dey give the drinks different different colour. Some people wey dey go there say no be just to make eye durty o. Dem say those drink dem dey cure sickness! I done nearly ask one man wetin dey sick am but my liver fail me…. People dey full the place and the woman wey get the place dey busy well well. All those people wey dey carry radio dey waka dey sell cassette go stop there dey play music. After some shots of AF11, people go begin dance anyhow. The thing wey been dey sweet me pass na say the woman no dey let the men wey drink there to jones inside the place. Once dem begin jogodo, other customers go just help push or carry dem outside sharply. Plenty times I done see people dey jones well well when dem come out from that zinc joint! One day I dey pass there na him I see as dem carry one man come out. The man just push the people wey carry am out, waka small and stand in the middle of road begin set Chinese! E dey set Chinese like Bruce Lee dey shout ‘Eyaaaaaah! Eyaaaaaah!’

Wetin make I dey tell una this long story be say na that woman, wey dem dey talk about for the Facebook post, get that joint. The sharp phone call wey I been make na to some of my guys wey still dey live for that area to ask dem if the joint still dey. Them tell me say e still dey and the owner dey kampe!

‘How can?’ I ask myself again. So I go back to the girl post for Facebook and I begin write one long comment under. As I dey write, I come begin think am…. Maybe, just maybe, the babe no actually lie for her comment o. True fit dey inside wetin she dey talk about her mama. Make we look am like this

(a)    A wonderful gem – Ehm… anybody wey been be young person in the 90s for Port Harcourt go know say ‘gem’ na another name for marijuana! And I hear say for that joint dem dey mix the gem with the AF11. Na the result dey make people feel like say dem be Bruce Lee or Jackie Chan, come dey set Chinese for road. So maybe na the gem the mama dey sell na him the pikin dey try relate to. The babe fit correct there.

(b)   A virtuous woman – That na woman wey get good character and dey do good abi? If you ask the people wey dey go that joint, I dey sure say dem go say the woman na very good woman. Afterall, dem say her AF11 and other things (gem, cigar, kola and dog meat) no cost at all. And she dey give the main customers on credit too. Again, e be like say the babe talk true here.

(c)    Spirit-filled Christian – For Naija if you no be Muslim then you be Christian. Full stop. Even if na for your house dem dey naked dey dance mami water dance and na your papa be the head of the Evil Forest Committee for una village, as long as you no dey go mosque on Fridays but you dey reach church sometimes, then you be Christian. So this woman na Christian. Also, AF11 na spirit o. Na so my Social Studies teacher talk. Hmmm… E dey like say na Home Economics o. No, sorry,  na pastor actually talk am. No worry, e no matter joor! Dem say na spirit. And you know say when men dey buy chak dem dey like show off too. Dem dey buy for others and sometimes dey dey even buy for the girl or woman wey dey sell. ‘Madam take one shot too’ no dey hard at all. Therefore, the woman dey full with spirit sometimes. That na another true talk by the babe.

(d)   Extraordinary woman – That one no hard to believe at all. She get to dey extraordinary for her to fit command her customers to carry their fellow customer wey dey jones out of her zinc kaikai joint, and dem dey obey sharp sharp! Correct point too!

(e)    I would not exchange you for another – Hmmm… this one get small wahala. The question wey I for like ask the babe na say ‘If dem give you Patience Jonathan minus her umblerra, you no go exchange mama quick quick?’ Maybe she no go exchange, but I no really sure.

So, when I look the whole thing finish I realise say maybe the girl get point o. She fit really know wetin she dey talk. So I delete everything I been dey write under that her status and I replace am with one sentence.

‘God is watching you!’

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

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No Forget Black Sunday

I actually been dey plan to talk about another thing but I no fit again. I mean, how person wan begin take laugh for this kind time? After I hear wetin happen on Sunday 3rd June, 2012 na better cold catch me. Especially because I just comot from aeroplane when I hear am and I suppose enter another aeroplane on Monday morning. Ehmm… Moment of Repentance, my guys… but that no be the issue.

The issue be say we done lose over 160 people (people wey been dey inside the aeroplane and the people wey been dey inside the house dem wey the aeroplane jam. We no sure how many people yet. And by the way as wey dey shout about this one, another bomb still kill some people somewhere for Naija that same day o. But make we leave that one first….

My belle begin turn me when I hear say Oga President done order full investigation into the matter. Investigation eh? Another investigation abi? I shake my head and I remember 2005. That no be the the only time wey something like this dey happen to us o. Since after our independence plenty strong things like this done happen to us. But not too long ago for 2005, some very bad ones been happen. That year some plane dem wey dey land for different airports for Naija run comot for runway enter bush! Thank God nobody die for those ones. You remember Sosoliso? Bellview nko? What about the nama dem (cows) wey been burst in Port Harcourt airport and try to enter aeroplane without ticket? Dem no been do investigation for all these things? After investigation, wetin come happen? You know abi? After investigation nothing happen! Our airline dem still no get respect for their customers and fit do us anyhow. Our airport dem still scatter scatter like motor park. We still dey use aeroplane dem wey dem build since the Gowon be Head of State, aeroplane dem wey no dey gree start (like one wey dem report last week; at least that one no go fit kill person), aeroplane dem wey smoke dey come out of where pilot dey siddon, aeroplane dem wey their AC no dey work, and aeroplane dem wey go finally kill us!

We government na him dey in charge of our safety. Government suppose to keep us well. Na government suppose to make sure say we dey follow wetin other country dem wey no dey get aeroplane wahala dey do. And believe me, my guys, no be to encourage people to dey almost do altar call before dem enter plane or to dey shout ‘The blood! The blood!’ when plane shake small o. Dem dey follow proper pattern wey dey make sure say bad thing no happen. If you done fly inside and outside Naija before, then you go know say our own pattern get comma. The pattern wey we dey follow no correct at all at all. The thing wey dey pain me be say e get people wey we dey pay with our government money to make sure say comma no dey our system. The truth be say dem no dey do their work. Na only God know why dem no dey do am. But as Naija people, e never reach time when we go begin dey demand wetin oyibo dey call ‘responsibility’ and ‘accountability’? E get some people wey suppose to dey check say aeroplane dem like this one wey crash so no dey fly for we country at all, but somehow the plane manage fly. We dey hear say this aeroplane wey crash and kill people so done dey get plenty different wahala for some time now and people been dey report say e no go good make the plane fly. But some other people no gree and dem say the plane must fly. Na the fly wey e fly so go send people to heaven (or hell). All these people wey suppose to fit do something about this plane wey for make people no die and dem no do am, no be dem kill the people? If to say dem take gun begin shoot all the people wey die so, the result for different? No be still die? The way I dey see am, na dem kill the people! For other country dem, when people no do wetin dem suppose to do or dem look and comot face and something bad happen, dem dey hold dem responsible. Some time ago, a company for China produce bad baby food wey kill plenty pikin dem. The government catch the big oga dem for the company and take dem go court because of the pikin dem wey die and dem find dem guilty and punish dem. E done reach time wey all of us suppose to begin ask make these people pay for wetin dem do. Because if people begin pay for the result of the yeye and bad work wey dem dey do, some of these nonsense no go happen. I no dey talk about airline people alone o. I dey talk about government and private people wey do bad work and that bad work lead to something wey no suppose to happen.

Also, e get anybody wey done come out come tell us say na him mess up cause this bad thing wey happen so? E get anybody wey dem done ask strong questions about wetin happen so? I no sure but I hear say dem done give somebody by-force leave sha. E get anybody wey done take shame resign him work? Lai lai, dem no go do am. The money wey dem dey chop too sweet. Make hunter shoot dem for leg by mistake!

So, I dey feel very bad for wetin done happen. E for fit be me or you or our friends or relations wey dey inside that plane. E for fit be anybody. People done lose people wey dem love and people wey dem care for. Naija done lose some correct people too. But the problem wey big pass na say after some time, just as we do with Sosoliso and Bellview, we go forget wetin done happen. The investigation wey dem dey talk about go just die quietly and nothing go change. We go continue to dey tell ourselves say we be God pikin and nothing fit happen to us; we go go church after we take the next flight wey do anyhow and we go give testimony how God save us from plane crash because we sing and praise am inside plane; we go hail those people wey suppose to dey look after us but instead dey look after their pockets and we go give them chieftancy titles; we go blame devil for wetin him no even sabi… and as all things like this dey normally happen, we go get another Black Day.

Make the souls of the people wey done go rest in peace, and this time make we do wetin we suppose to do. Make we no forget.

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

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Armageddon

‘“Know yourself” no be curse.’

Na wetin our people talk be that. True true, if you no know yourself, na which other thing you go know na? Sometimes e get how somebody go do anyhow and people go look am and ask am ‘You no know yourself?’ or ‘O boy make you know yourself o!’ The thing be say, if you no know yourself well sometimes strong things wey no suppose do you go do you.

Last week Monday I no go work.

No be say to go work no hungry me o.  Actually, na lie be that. To go work no hungry me sha and e for good make the weekend continue, but man must comot go find him garri. Anyway, when I wake up that morning, ‘the spirit’ tell me say to comot for house no go be good idea. Na wetin I for fit tell pastor if to say e ask me be that. But between me and you, na just my belle say make I no comot o. The belle just do one kind and I begin remember something wey happen to me some years ago when I been still dey university.

That morning, around 4 o’clock for morning e be like say somebody just slap me. I jump up from sleep. When I look around me, my four roommates still dey sleep dey snore. After a few seconds, my belle come make one sound. You know that sound na. I realise say nobody slap me o. Na that belle movement na him wake me up so. For the hostel, every four rooms dey share one toilet. We dey lock the toilet and each room get a key to their toilet. I get up, carry toilet roll, take toilet key and waka quick quick go toilet go do my ‘business’. I notice say na dat kind ‘business’ wey you no actually need to put any force before e come out. Just position yourself and… na like that. I finish the thing and go back to my room go continue the sleep.

Big Thing courtesy: www.internetgoon.com

6am and I done wake up. I dey feel very normal and ready for the day. I baff, dress up and go buy food from Madam Kwor (short for Madam Quantity) the woman wey dey sell food for hostel. I buy beans without. You know beans without na.... Just beans wey dem use palm oil cook, no meat or fish. The beans dey plenty, e sweet, e dey belleful and e cheap. I wack the thing quick quick, then go class.

The class start around 8 o’clock. 30 minutes after class start, somebody wey dey form D’Banj begin blow mouth organ inside my belle. Immediately, I remember Madam Kwor beans! I tell myself say nothing dey happen. I fit manage am till the end of the class before I go back hostel go do like that. After maybe another 10 minutes (I no really sure o; who dey look him watch under that kind condition sef?!) e be like say some children dey run round inside my belle dey sing round-and-round-da-village. I begin shift from side to side. You know that type wey you go raise one part of your ‘something’ small and use one part siddon, then after some time the thing go tell you to change the part wey you use siddon and use the other part, abi? Ehen, na that type. I take corner-eye look the people wey siddon near me to see if any of dem done hear the music wey dey come from my belle. Luckily, e be like say dem dey focus on wetin the lecturer dey talk. All, this time wey I dey do all these things, I no dey hear anything wey the lecturer dey teach o, but I dey look straight for the man face! I done dey sweat like Christmas goat too!

I stay there small and I no fit hold am again, so I decide to bone the class and go straight to the hostel. Poor student wey I be, I no blow bike. Hostel no too far from class so I say I fit leg am go there. I come out from class begin waka sharply dey go back to the hostel. As I dey waka like soldier dey go, suddenly the thing go just do like say e wan come out. Like soldier too, I go just change from quick march to slow march. If you done go NYSC camp or see soldiers or police dey parade before, you know wetin I mean. No be just slow o. I go tighten the muscles of the ‘area’ to make sure say nothing drop! But, I no come understand why e be like say everybody wey I know for school come dey follow that road at that same time. And all of dem wan stop stop and hail me, shake hand or hug and gist plenty. These people no see say na Armageddon wan happens so?! And you know how e be na, I no fit just bone dem dey waka or explain to dem wetin dey really happen. Like ten people stop me before I finally reach hostel.

When I reach the hostel, as I see my room door na run I take cover the last 20 metres. I open the door quick quick, throw my books on top bed, grab the toilet key and toilet roll and run dey go toilet. You sabi how devil dey take punish person for sin wey he know even know say he commit? Key no gree enter padlock. After enough struggle, the key enter and padlock no gree open. As I dey do this one, I dey dance that dance (you know the dance na), dey jump from one leg to the other, dey pray to God make He no let devil succeed, dey curse Madam Kwor for giving me beans without, dey wonder why we no dey even leave the toilet open all the time.... The padlock come open, as I dey remove the padlock dey open the door na him Armageddon happen! Just 2 steps to the toilet bowl! The rest, as oyibo talk, na history.

So that last week Monday, as I wake up and the thing do me like e been do me that day years ago, I remember Armageddon. If to say I been take that first belle movement many years ago serious, the thing wey been happen that day no for happen. As an ‘experienced’ man and man wey know himself now, I know wetin to do this time. That kind strong thing no fit do me again. I no dey go anywhere! Whatever fight I need to fight na for my house I go dey fight am. Afterall, nowhere for bible wey dem talk say Armageddon happen two times! And as our people talk, ‘If dog bite you one time, na the dog dey craze. If you allow that same dog to bite you again, na you wey no well!’

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

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