Tuesday, July 31, 2012

That Man Scent

by Jonas Dogara
For the past few posts, I done dey yarn about our national wahala and things wey I believe say suppose dey different. Today, I go leave that yarn small and enter a different kind of wahala wey I dey encounter sometimes.

Last week, I dey hurry go somewhere, to go see somebody wey wan do something for some…  Anyway, I run come out of the office wey I dey and luckily I just see one empty taxi. I open the taxi door, jump in, tell the driver where I dey go and him tell me price. Then the ‘scent’ hit me! I try to open mouth talk, but e no gree me open, so I just dey look the guy. E be like say the guy feel say na the price wey e tell me na him make me dey look am like that, because e reduce am immediately from N1000 to N750. I still dey look am! E just dey like say make I drop from the taxi immediately, but when I look outside and see the multitude wey dey wait for transport too, I strong mind, tell the guy to move. 

The guy ‘aroma’ na die! And no, I no mean say the guy na amala and okro soup o. I dey talk of the type we dey come out when person dey get beef with bathroom. You know that type wey, when you enter church and siddon near person, the scent go just reach u sharply and you go know say e no go be good Sunday service, abi? Then small time pastor go begin talk something about ‘lifting up holy hands’. All you go dey think na ‘Pastor, no try am! No try am o!’ Yes, na that one! E dey make you no fit breathe and make tears wan comot for your eyes.

 As we begin move, the guy begin gist me how traffic dey very bad, and how the strike wey tanker drivers been go dey make fuel scarce for town, and him just spend plenty money buy fuel, and him wife just…. Plenty plenty yarns! The guy no gree stop. The ‘scent’ wey dey come out from him mouth make me dey wonder if e drink garlic juice before e leave house or whether na garlic-flavour toothpaste e use wash mouth that morning. I no just know how to take tell the guy to shut up and just drive quick before I quench inside him taxi. I close my mouth, put nose for window and just dey look outside until we reach where I dey go. I pay am sharply, look him face well well, so that wetin happen that day no go repeat itself, and I waka. 

I yarn about the matter for Facebook that day and many people just dey laugh about am and some girls take am dey yab guys. Dem just dey yab us as if we no know say dem... nevermind, that one na another tori. But e get some comments wey make me begin wonder. One guy yarn say to use deodorants and antiperspirants no dey ‘manly’. Another person talk say even if man no feel say him body dey smell bad, then no need to use deodorant. The guy no finish there o. E also say him own body na special one; and if e no baff for some days sef, him ‘scent’ na still perfume!

Guys, I no fit believe wetin I dey read. Seriously, for this century wey we dey so, people still dey think like this? Young and educated people o! E no dey make sense to me. So, according to the first guy, e good for women to dey walkabout dey smell fine, but for men na different matter. If you be man, and you take action to make sure say you no smell like soured something, then you no be proper man again. The second guy make me begin wonder if some people no dey actually smell themselves. Maybe some people nose done get immunity from their own odour. I sure say this particular guy no dey smell himself. Because, if e dey smell himself, e go know say after some days wey water no touch him body, e go dey ooze!

See as I understand am. The way a person dey smell dey na matter of how ‘clean’ the person dey. If you be durty person, you go ooze! If you brush your teeth and clean your mouth well, ‘baff’ well and use wetin you suppose use on your body, then you suppose dey fine. You no go ‘mistakenly’ kill somebody for road or for public transport with your aroma. E no matter whether you be man or woman. If you do all those things and you still dey walkabout with ‘scent’ wey no correct, maybe na hospital or prayer house or babalawo matter be that.

These people wey dey carry their body wahala come dey worry us for public no dey fear God? We get plenty wahala for this country wey we dey face everyday and we no really need their own. As for that my guy wey dey yarn say e be everlasting perfume, I get plans for am. The next time I dey go see am I go carry Air Freshener for bag, just in case… I no fit shout.


This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter


10 comments:

  1. Lol,thank God say no be only me dey suffer the thing,the kind things wey my nose don smell na die,u dey cry becos of taxi man' scent',at least u dey for inside moving vehicle,my own I dey inside hot bus for third mainland bridge,with heavy traffick again,my friend I die for inside the bus,God just pity me send me back.So abeg help me beg all those' scenting' pple make dem pity us,abi Fela talk say water no get enemy

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    1. Ok, I go talk to Mr. President. Normally, for a case like this him fit set up one of those committees to look into...

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  2. Very funny and still well written despite the Pidgin flavour. You have a unique niche. Keep it up.

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    1. Thank you for reading and the encouragement. I go continue.

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  3. Jonas, before I read dis wan, I been dey talk say you go 'don kill am' not knowing say you sef dey God's hands for smelly-smelly matter.

    I don have many difficult conversations with folks wey dey boom before. I don perfect the art. Rule 1: Never go into that kin convo without kitting yourself with alternatives. So you must have the basic roll-on stick and deodorant on the ready. So as you dey talk about proper shower given the climate of our obodo Nigeria, you go just gently whip out the duo and say: 'me sef, na these ones I dey take support my personal hygiene..."
    Depending on the method of approach, they usually leave happy oh.

    Per your write-style, una well done oh. I still dey like am!

    Cheers

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  4. Dupe, no be small thing o. The problem be say most times, you no fit really yarn with the people wey dey do you this kind thing. Imagine when you dey inside bus for Lagos. After the conductor done wail 'CMS! CMS!', jump around for bus stop and begin sweat like horse, and bus full. E go enter bus. When bus begin move, and you get the bad luck to siddon for that small seat near the edge.... As the guy say 'back seat, gimme your money' e go just stretch over your head, releasing the fumes!

    But just because of you, I go add roll-on to my air freshener when I dey go see that my man.

    Thanks for reading again. You too much.

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  5. I capture that church part die. Some ppl dey attend communion service in the morning and them neva even use water for any part of their body; whosai! I reject it.

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    1. Abeg reject am, my dear. If you no reject am, and bad thing come happen, how you go take explain am for the gate of heaven?

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  6. Lol!!!
    Abeg use style tell your guys make them try dey trim that lower region join put. Thanks in advance.

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  7. Diva, is that so? If to say I know, I for include am o. But as you fit imagine, I no know because I never really experience that kind... ehm... nevermind. I go try help you spread that message. I no support make bobos dey carry Game Reserve or UN Heritage Site for body dey waka at all!

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