I Remember

I remember when I small. No kind play children no been dey play - backflip, cartwheel, rubber leg, running, high jump, long jump and even poju poju. My street na 100m track for us children. No evening wey you no go hear ‘On your marks, set, go!’ outside our house. Our parents dey actually come out for our houses and watch us as we dey arrange ourselves dey run. We dey make small small ‘machines’ wey get wheels and dey push dem all over the place. Some of us dey carry old bike and motor tyres dey run for street. Sometimes they tyre dey even big pass the pikin wey dey try to push am. We been dey wrestle too. Those of us wey from villages wey dem dey wrestle come introduce am to us. But we no dey do am where our parents go see us. If not, na cane we go wrestle with. We bin play many games wey if to say we do am till we grow we for be professional play play people. I mean, I been dey very good with my catapult. I dey shoot anything wey dey move. I enter trouble a few times because of am too.

I remember say the navy men wey dey stay for the NNS Pathfinder Base (that time na NNS Akaso) dey like to jog for morning. And dem no dey mind if people join them to jog, provided you no go try to slow dem down. If you dey slow down, dem go run pass you. If you fit run like dem, you go just join dem dey sing dey go. As teenagers, some of us dey follow dem dey run, because e just dey sweet us to fit run with these military men. Even on days wey navy men no dey run, a lot of people - both old and young, dey still come out for morning to run.

I remember say for our different cultures, e get many things wey people de do to enjoy themselves and to stay fit. Some tribes get special days for wrestling where people go gather dey beat drums, chant songs for their person and cheer the wrestlers until one person back go touch ground. You remember the famous Okonkwo and Amalinze the Cat, from Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe?

I remember play play for school. We extend a lot of the play from house to school. Break time no be small thing. Then inter-house sports competitions dey too. Na the biggest event for the school calendar every year. In fact when at  a certain time of the year, every weekend you go see children wey wear their different House colours dey go school with their parents for inter-house sports. Na our own Olympics be that. For primary school my house dey like Nigeria for London 2012, but for secondary school my house dey like USA! Plenty singing and dancing when dem go award us the trophy o.

Now I look around and most of the things wey I remember, done disappear. We all dey sad say Naija perform very badly for Olympics and everybody dey shout about reform of the Sports Ministry and Sports Federations and grassroots sports development. That na good shout. But you see, the problem of our sports no be just say nobody send for grassroots development. E pass like that.

When I small, I no know how small pikin fit take stay inside him house when others dey play outside. E hard o. If you look around now you go see children wey no dey play at all. Dem either dey watch Africa Magic or dem dey watch cartoons, depending on their level of aje. As dem dey grow up, e go change from Cartoon Network and Disney Channel to MTV and E! where dem go discover the Kardarshians and My Super Sweet 16 and na there their own finish! Dem papa and mama no de allow them go outside. So, dem no fit run around or mix with other children or climb trees.

But wait first o. Even if parents allow dem go out, na which tree dem go climb sef? All the trees wey been dey around, done disappear finish. Government done sell or dash dem to people wey done build house everywhere! I remember the parks and playgrounds wey we been get all over Port Harcourt. Public places dey to play football and basketball and even swim. For places like Elekahia Housing Estate, gardens dey where people dey go relax and children dey go chase butterflies. I no fit remember the last time I see butterfly sef. That garden done enter voice mail since! The one garden wey the present government do now, fine well well, but dem put am for express road! I no sure how person wan let him children go play for express road garden o!

Now, even if the parks and playgrounds still dey everywhere, people go really let their children go play? The primary duty of every papa and mama na to take care of their children in the best way wey dem fit. And our country be as e get now, which person get strong mind to let him pikin comot for house just to go play? People wey dey kidnap dey one corner dey do their own, while people wey dey bomb dey their own corner too. Then you get plenty people for road wey dey drive motor and ride bikes like say evil spirits dey pursue dem. How any papa and mama, wey their head correct, go wan let dem pikin just go outside to play na?

Now anybody wey think say the children fit play for school these days no dey live for Naija. Because most of our government schools dey useless, anybody wey get small money dey put him pikin for private schools. Every year, more and more people dey send their children go private schools. And if you done see most of these private schools, e dey easy to understand why children no fit play. Most of them no even get enough classroom space sef, before dem go get playground. So where the children wan play and how dem wan take do inter-house sports?

The Paralympic Games done almost start. And na wetin make me remember Olympics wey I done try to forget. You done see our primary and secondary schools for disabled children? Na just like most government schools. Dem dey rotten dey go. Unfortunately, we no get private schools for disabled children. How this people dey manage, na only God sabi. But we dey expect medals for the Games abi? Yes, by the grace of the Nigerian god.

At the end, the question be say ‘how children wan take develop interest for sports and develop whatever talents dem get, if dem no get the chance to play?’

We all agree say government need to do something about sports urgently. But no be just about more money for the ministry or kicking out the corrupt officials and putting new blood. Government need to go back to their basic work. That work na to care for us just the way parents dey care for their children. Government need to keep us secure, protect our environment so that we go fit enjoy life, provide education of a high standard for our children (including the disabled ones), provide world-class health care facilties, etc. If government do these things, children go begin play again. And if children begin play again and our Sports Ministry plan well and implement the proper programs, e no go tey before we begin do well at every level of sports.

I go still dey follow the Nigerian athletes for the Paralympic Games. Maybe, dem go give us wetin we no been get for the Olympics Games. But even if dem no fit, I go still dey hail dem. To do wetin dem dey do, no be beans.

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

I dedicate this piece to the special person wey write am with my hands.

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O Na For Opposition

If e get something wey we sabi do for this country, na to yarn. Nobody fit accuse Nigerians of not talking. The only wahala there be say we dey spend too much time dey yarn about the things wey no really important, and we no dey yarn enough about the important things.

I read Nigeria: A Case Of Too Many Purposeless Cooks by Debo Adejugbe last week with a mixture of happiness and sadness. I happy because e be like say the guy dey read my mind as e dey write. I dey sad because, I get a strong feeling say if we continue the way we dey go today, we go dey sing the second verse of the song we dey sing now after 2015. The song of ‘how we manage enter one chance?’ So we need to talk about am again and again and again…

On the fact say we need our country to start to move forward, we get general agreement. On how the country go take change, agreement no dey. Everybody get him different idea. Some of us believe say the change wey we need na personal thing. So, if you or your person manage enter government, and things begin happen for una side, then life go change sharply, therefore Nigeria done change. Make una fall inside gutter and break leg! A good majority of us done leave am for the hand of the Nigerian god. Dem believe say if we continue to dey pray without season (or maybe na ‘ceasing’), one day the country go change. I wish dem good luck. I no sure if I intend the pun.

The one I wan really talk about na the third group of people. Dem know say for the country to change, we need a change of personnel. And na every four years we dey employ, sack or renew the contract of the ones wey we already get. Na elections I dey talk about. We know say most of the people wey dey lead us today deserve ‘sacking’. But if we sack dem, we need to put in people wey we believe say go give us wetin we dey look for. And that na where the opposition suppose come in.

In other parts of the world wey their heads correct, if government dey misperform and the opposition dey offer the people something wey make sense, the people dey kick the government out and give opposition the power.

This opposition wey I dey talk about no mean people wey their party different from the ruling party o. I mean parties wey dey actually ‘oppose’ the government. These na parties wey dey monitor wetin government dey do and offer the people something different if dem no agree with the government (and that disagreement na almost everytime). And normally dem suppose to dey do this work in a way wey all of us go see say dem different from the government. In the way dem dey talk, in the way dem dey stand on matter wey dey enter the legislature (both national and state) and in the way dem dey address national issues.

Naija Opposition: Same as the government?

For Nigeria, the opposition suppose be the ACN, ANPP, CPC, etc. But look all of dem and see if difference dey between dem and the PDP. If tomorrow we vote ACN or CPC into the presidency, how dem go dey different? I no sure. As Debo Adejugbe talk, e be like say the only thing wey the non-PDP people get for their mind na to ‘capture power’. So after dem capture power, what next? E no be like say dem dey sure wetin dem wan use the power do.

As I understand am, opposition no dey start 6 months to election. Opposition suppose start from the day dem swear the government in, and e suppose continue till the government commot. Opposition suppose dey mark government like defender dey mark attacker for football, and once in a while we suppose dey see sliding tackle! As the government dey bring policy, the opposition suppose dey bring their own to show Nigerians the difference. That way, the government go dey think twice before dem open mouth to yarn or decide to do something.

The fuel price increase of January 2012 na huge opportunity for the opposition for Nigeria to show us wetin dem dey about. The way I see am, na big New Year present wey the government been give dem. A gift of very strong rope wey dem for use hang the government. In other correct countries, the opposition for jump on top am and by the time dem finish with the government, you no go buy government with 10 kobo! But wetin our own opposition do? Nothing. A few people come out against the fuel price increase, but no be wetin I dey talk be that. As political parties, these people suppose show strength. That for be the time to tell Nigerians how dem dey different. E for be the time to tell us say dem go be government for the people if we give dem power. Instead, wetin we actually hear be say the non-PDP governors been done already agree to the fuel price hike na him make dem all close their mouths.

What about the opposition legislators wey dey the National Assembly? I mean the Minority Leader and all him people. How far with them? How dem dey try to attack and modify the policies of the government? How many bills dem done sponsor and try to push through? Apart from ‘I concur’ and ‘I second’ e get any other thing dem dey talk for there? Or true true na a case of ‘when you dey chop, no talk’? Because, opposition or not, plenty pepper still dey rest for their side!

We need to begin focus our energy on the opposition as we dey focus on government o. Because we no go bring people from another country to come take over the government. A strong opposition na the only alternative.

As e be now, plenty time done already waste, but time still dey to clean the mess before 2015. Because when play play go turn to players, no be me and you wey dey use Twitter and read news online go matter. Na the millions of Nigerians wey no sabi wetin internet be or get time to read newspaper go go out there to vote. Dem plenty well well and na their votes go make the difference. Na the people wey the opposition suppose dey try to reach now with their structure, yarning and most importantly with their actions. That way, when the time come, Nigerians go do the right thing.

I done talk my own, but make the talk continue. Make e continue until we begin do the right thing.

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

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Naija Grammar

Today yarn go start like say na English class. Abeg no vex. I know say you no been like that your English Language teacher for secondary school. Try no extend the hatred reach my side. But if you no fit hold yourself and you still dey provoke, then just take the annoyance read wetin I write finish and drop comment about how I make you vex!

We be country of people wey sabi yarn. And if we manage sabi one or two big word dem, then the yarning dey even sweet pass. Normally, the way people dey yarn no dey worry me. But e get two things wey we dey yarn all the time for this country wey dey worry me. Dem dey worry me because we done bend dem from wetin oyibo say dem be to wetin we feel say dem suppose be.  Forgive me for the plenty grammar wey you go soon read, but I need to quote wetin dey for book so we fit see the real meanings.

Empower (Oxford World English Dictionary)

verb

[with object and infinitive]

give (someone) the authority or power to do something:

                members are empowered to audit the accounts of limited companies

[with object]

make (someone) stronger and more confident, especially in controlling their life and claiming their rights:

                movements to empower the poor

carry along (Longman Dictionary of Phrasal Verbs)

1.    to carry something with one (synonym carry about)

2.    to cause (someone) to share one’s feelings, opinions, etc.

3.    to encourage (someone), as to keep trying.

A few years ago, just some months after Amaechi become governor of Rivers State, I been dey one joint dey do joint things and gist with my guy. As e dey always be with boys talk, the gist come enter government matter. The guy say Odili (a former governor) better pass Amaechi. So I ask am why e talk so. The answer e gimme na simple one.

‘Odili been dey carry people along. Amaechi no dey do like that.’ Na wetin e yarn.

I look my guy with shock. ‘Just that?’

‘Yes o! The guy no wan empower people.’ E continue. Then e go on to explain wetin e dey talk about.

As e explain am, for Naija ‘empowerment’ and ‘carry along’ get different meaning o from the ones wey I copy from dictionary. When we talk say we want our government to empower us, we mean say we want dem to dash us money. When we say we want dem to carry us along, we mean say we want them show us where we go dey thief our own money as dem dey thief their own! When the guy finish the explanation, I no know where to begin address am from. So, maybe the meaning of ‘carry along’ no too far from wetin oyibo talk. Dem say na ‘to cause someone to share one’s feelings, opinions, etc.’ I dey suspect say we interprete ‘etc.’ to mean ‘loot’.

Just like the other guy wey I recommend ‘government slap’ for last week, na wetin been dey my mind for this guy too! No part of wetin the guy explain to me get anything to do with to good government and leadership. The only thing wey matter be say extra money dey enter people pocket.

During Odili time, our state turn to playground for every young man wey wan become Rambo. Our politicians wey say dem must win election or siddon for political seat for second term, buy weapons give these young men. And dem turn Port Harcourt and the towns and villages wey surround am to battle grounds. Small boys go just enter one backyard, dem flog dem 24 strokes, cut their body with blade, rub some white chalk put inside, give dem coloured kaikai to drink, give dem gun to carry and dem done turn gang member/cultist. Na so wetin we dey call militancy now for the Niger Delta start. Where the thing change from fight for political power to fight for the progress of the Niger Delta na tori for another day. But the thing be say, people been no know peace that time. When Amaechi come, things change. Most of that nonsense stop. This no be endorsement for Amaechi. Na wetin happen be that.

So e dey turn my belle say some people still think say Odili time been better pass, because him ‘empower’ dem and ‘carry dem along’. Na serious matter wey suppose make us begin think well well. So if  money dey enter person pocket, e no matter if bullets dey fly pass him head, eh?

‘So you for like make e carry you along, and then you go hide inside house dey drink this drink because you no want somebody to come shoot you, abi?’ I ask am and e no fit answer me.

The sad thing be say, no be only that my friend dey think like that. Na very common way to think for Naija. And trust our sharp politicians. Dem be part of us, so dem understand how we dey think. Dem know who to ‘empower’ and who to ‘carry along’ and things go dey move well for dem. Dem go come up with one ‘Youth Empowerment’ or ‘Women Empowerment’ scheme and people go begin jump and clap hand. Some people go gain small because pepper go rest for their side. For others, contracts, wey dey benefit only the contractor and the politician, go reach their hand and dem done carry dem along be dat. But for us, as people and as communities, nothing dey happen.

We need to live in peace, make money and live well o. But for these things to happen, our infrastructure, economy, and security need to improve. And those things na government work. We need to ask government to do government work wey be to provide the correct environment, so that ordinary citizens fit do the citizen work, wey be to work hard, start business and to create jobs.  That na empowerment. And when government dey do this government work, make dem dey yarn with the citizens, so we too fit put mouth, and we fit tell dem the way those things go work well for us and we fit understand each other. That na to carry us along.

The change, wey we dey look for, dey for our hand.

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

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E Dey Sexy To Know

‘Imagine that! So, even the British can make mistakes, eh? Look at how they spelt Switzerland.’ The babe dey point television dey talk. This na the day after the London 2012 Olympic Games Opening Ceremony and we dey watch a replay of the ceremony.

I look wetin she dey show me and I tell her say ‘That no be mistake o. Na Swaziland be that and na country of its own.’

‘That’s not true. Is it because the people are black? They have black people in Switzerland too. These guys have messed up! How can they change Switzerland to Swaziland and you say it’s not a mistake?’ See the babe dey blow grammar, dey drag wetin she no sabi with me.

‘You wan bet?’ I ask her. ‘Then we fit use Google Search for your Blackberry take check am.’

‘Well, I don’t have Google Search on my phone, but I know Switzerland and it’s in Europe’ She dey yarn with open eye.

I just shut up my mouth and gum my eyes for television. Because, if I look her two times, I fit yarn something wey I no suppose yarn. So this girl no know say her Blackberry dey do things apart from BBM, Facebook and Twitter, eh? She never use Google search for anything for that phone since she get am! 

This yeye discussion make me remember one like that wey happen two weeks ago. I hook up with one of my friends wey I never see for a long time, and as those kind things dey always be, we begin dey gist about our friends wey we never see for some time too. When e ask me about one of our guys wey be petroleum engineer, I tell am say the guy done get transfer go Norway and na there e dey work now. The thing wey follow next, just make me tire.

‘That na good one o. I hear say dem get plenty oil and money there. All those Arab countries with too much money. Me sef go like enter somewhere near there o. Somewhere like Kuwait or Qatar…’ The guy just dey yarn dey go.

‘O boy Norway na European country o’ I quietly tell am.

‘Na wa to you o! Dem get oil for Europe? Why you dey yarn this kind yarn?’ The guy wan drag with me.

Courtesy wherearemyabs.com

After a few minutes of argument, the way the guy take finish the gist na ‘If you say na so e be, then I believe you. Na people like you dey know this kind useless things sef. Afterall, wetin I dey carry am do? Dem dey pay person money to know am? I no be Sabinus.’

‘Wetin you come be? Ignoramus?’ I no talk am o. I just think am. I just dey look the guy dey boil. See guy wey get daughter wey dey kindergarten. This guy need somebody to tear am better slap! E no go be me, because I no dey roll like that... I mean say, who go pick my pieces when e finish with me? But I no go mind if e find trouble and somebody just tidy am up. I dey talk of proper government slap. You sabi government slap? Na that type wey when e touch you, the hand dey cover your mouth, nose and maybe eyes, and you dey feel the pain even for your ears. You go also dey hear sounds wey dey like Halleluyah Chorus remix by Terry G.

Seriously though, this kinds of discussions dey make me tire. Nobody on this earth fit sabi everything. That na true talk. But as a person, at every stage you dey for life, e get things wey you suppose to sabi. If you no sabi these things too, no be crime. Afterall, law no dey for that kind of thing. Wetin suppose be offence na when you find out say you no know something and instead of you to jeje learn that thing you either begin dey drag like say you na your papa act ‘Dragon Forever’. E suppose be offence too if you begin dey act like say e dey cool or sexy not to sabi anything.

Most of us love our country well well. Some of us dey pretend not to care sha. But all that na wash. See as people like me wey no too send for Basket Ball stay awake last night to watch as USA wan take their father play! As the game finish, we people just take vex begin ‘twitter-beat’ Ghana people! (Ghana no vex, na where our power reach be that). Seriously sha, we love our country and we all know, our government done fail us scatter. Everyday wey we wake up and believe say e no fit bad pass as e dey, e be like say we dey challenge dem. Before the day go end, dem go show us say we never see anything. So, all of us dey find change. Okay, maybe no be all of us (because as the country dirty like this, some people be like pigs), but a lot of us want change. We go like make our country begin grow again, make we get peace, security, electricity, roads, job, etc. And we go like make this change happen sharply.

But for us to drive that change, for us to push other people to do wetin dem suppose do, we need to ready ourselves with knowledge. We need to know our world and how things dey work for other places. We need to know about each other and our differences. We need to dey learn new things constantly. Even our different religions dey direct us to continue to dey learn new things. No be the Bible wey talk for Proverbs 18:15 say ‘Intelligent people are always ready to learn. Their ears are open for knowledge.’ [New Living Translation]? What about the Prophet Mohammed (SAW) wey say ‘O my Lord! Increase me in knowledge [Koran, 20:114] and also order Muslims to ‘Seek knowledge even in China’? E mean say excuse no dey why we no suppose to try to improve ourselves.

And before you begin hammer our educational system, make I explain say no be school I dey talk. We know say our bad educational system dey contribute to wetin dey worry us, but as individuals, that excuse no correct. ‘Dem no teach me for school’ no be reason why you no suppose know say Obama na president of the USA. 

As some people wey get sense done talk before, whatever change wey we dey look for need to start with us. In fact, we need to be the change wey we dey look for. So therefore, na each of us responsibility to gather knowledge. Whether na to read books and newspapers or listen to/watch the news or watch films (I no talk say tune to Africa Magic and throway the remote o!) or ask questions, e no matter. The knowledge fit no be something wey we go use immediately; e fit no be something wey go put money for our pockets now now. But, a day go come when we fit use wetin we know to better ourselves, the people around us and maybe our country too.

That my friend wey no fit find Google for her Blackberry just call me. E be like say she done see am…. She dey sound a lot more... ehm…. Off I go!

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

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That Man Scent

For the past few posts, I done dey yarn about our national wahala and things wey I believe say suppose dey different. Today, I go leave that yarn small and enter a different kind of wahala wey I dey encounter sometimes.

Last week, I dey hurry go somewhere, to go see somebody wey wan do something for some…  Anyway, I run come out of the office wey I dey and luckily I just see one empty taxi. I open the taxi door, jump in, tell the driver where I dey go and him tell me price. Then the ‘scent’ hit me! I try to open mouth talk, but e no gree me open, so I just dey look the guy. E be like say the guy feel say na the price wey e tell me na him make me dey look am like that, because e reduce am immediately from N1000 to N750. I still dey look am! E just dey like say make I drop from the taxi immediately, but when I look outside and see the multitude wey dey wait for transport too, I strong mind, tell the guy to move. 

The guy ‘aroma’ na die! And no, I no mean say the guy na amala and okro soup o. I dey talk of the type we dey come out when person dey get beef with bathroom. You know that type wey, when you enter church and siddon near person, the scent go just reach u sharply and you go know say e no go be good Sunday service, abi? Then small time pastor go begin talk something about ‘lifting up holy hands’. All you go dey think na ‘Pastor, no try am! No try am o!’ Yes, na that one! E dey make you no fit breathe and make tears wan comot for your eyes.

 As we begin move, the guy begin gist me how traffic dey very bad, and how the strike wey tanker drivers been go dey make fuel scarce for town, and him just spend plenty money buy fuel, and him wife just…. Plenty plenty yarns! The guy no gree stop. The ‘scent’ wey dey come out from him mouth make me dey wonder if e drink garlic juice before e leave house or whether na garlic-flavour toothpaste e use wash mouth that morning. I no just know how to take tell the guy to shut up and just drive quick before I quench inside him taxi. I close my mouth, put nose for window and just dey look outside until we reach where I dey go. I pay am sharply, look him face well well, so that wetin happen that day no go repeat itself, and I waka. 

I yarn about the matter for Facebook that day and many people just dey laugh about am and some girls take am dey yab guys. Dem just dey yab us as if we no know say dem... nevermind, that one na another tori. But e get some comments wey make me begin wonder. One guy yarn say to use deodorants and antiperspirants no dey ‘manly’. Another person talk say even if man no feel say him body dey smell bad, then no need to use deodorant. The guy no finish there o. E also say him own body na special one; and if e no baff for some days sef, him ‘scent’ na still perfume!

Guys, I no fit believe wetin I dey read. Seriously, for this century wey we dey so, people still dey think like this? Young and educated people o! E no dey make sense to me. So, according to the first guy, e good for women to dey walkabout dey smell fine, but for men na different matter. If you be man, and you take action to make sure say you no smell like soured something, then you no be proper man again. The second guy make me begin wonder if some people no dey actually smell themselves. Maybe some people nose done get immunity from their own odour. I sure say this particular guy no dey smell himself. Because, if e dey smell himself, e go know say after some days wey water no touch him body, e go dey ooze!

See as I understand am. The way a person dey smell dey na matter of how ‘clean’ the person dey. If you be durty person, you go ooze! If you brush your teeth and clean your mouth well, ‘baff’ well and use wetin you suppose use on your body, then you suppose dey fine. You no go ‘mistakenly’ kill somebody for road or for public transport with your aroma. E no matter whether you be man or woman. If you do all those things and you still dey walkabout with ‘scent’ wey no correct, maybe na hospital or prayer house or babalawo matter be that.

These people wey dey carry their body wahala come dey worry us for public no dey fear God? We get plenty wahala for this country wey we dey face everyday and we no really need their own. As for that my guy wey dey yarn say e be everlasting perfume, I get plans for am. The next time I dey go see am I go carry Air Freshener for bag, just in case… I no fit shout.

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

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Like Oliver Twist

About two weeks ago, I dey one airport for Africa with my Asian colleague and we just dey discuss travelling and other things. Then the guy say,

‘This airport is alright but too disorganised. If they organise it better it’ll be nice.’

For one moment, I surprise small and just dey about to answer ‘This airport? Are you kidding me?’ but I think am again and just nod my head and smile. Wetin the guy talk na true. No need to argue.

This airport wey we dey talk about so na correct one. No be like Murtala Mohammed Airport wey when Police search you bag finish, dem pass am to Army; Army finish dem pass am to Navy; Navy finish dem… you get the picture. Things dey work well, and you no fit waste time for there. The only issue be say e get plenty airports for Europe and Asia wey correct pass am for organisation.  And that na wetin my colleague dey talk about. The airport good, but e still need improvement.

The thing wey happen to me, na wetin dey happen to most of us for our country. We done live for country where things no dey work at all, so that every small thing wey work, na blessing. For example, a Governor go give contract make dem repair bad road and all of us go dey happy, dey praise God and the Governor. We dey forget say na this same Governor give the contract wey dem take construct this road two years before. And if to say dem do better work, the road no go need patching. Or you go to enter flight scheduled for 7am and the flight leave at 8am. People go say ‘Thank God o! Na only 1 hour delay. Normally, e dey pass like that.’

Oliver Twist courtesy Jake Parker

Even some of us wey done travel to places where things dey work well sef dey do the same thing. Somehow we no dey feel say we fit get those same excellent standards for our country. So, we no dey expect good service, infrastructure, leaders, etc. Because we no dey expect those things, we no dey complain when we no get them. We no dey demand for them. When we get pass wetin we dey expect, we go give thanks like say we done get the whole world. But deep down, we know say wetin we get no reach standard.

We know say to thank somebody for something (even when na him job e dey do) na good thing o. But after we say ‘thank you’, nothing stop us from being like Oliver Twist and to say ‘I want more’. We deserve more. We know say we fit get more. Governments and businesses for other countries dey provide more for their people, so why not our own?

We need to change this culture of not demanding. We need to demand things from our politicians, leaders and our government. We need to demand things from the people wey dey provide us services – telecoms, transportation, media, etc. We need to demand things from each other. If we no demand, maybe some people no go realise say dem dey misbehave. Dem no go know say dem performance no reach. And some people wey know say dem no dey perform, no go get any reason to improve.

As D’banj talk ‘I wanna have them all…’ we fit ‘have them all’. Not the ‘them’ wey D’Banj wan have o! But we fit get those things wey we need for our country.

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

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We Want The Opium

Na Karl Max wey talk say religion na the opium of the masses. Meaning say na wetin we dey use ‘high’ ourselves so that we no go face reality. I agree with am completely on the issue. But I also know say opium no be for dulling alone. E get other very good uses wey make am important. Na so religion be too. And before you begin ready to call down the anger of God for my head, this yarn no be about religion, so make we move on.

Courtesy cutesexyfunnyawful

Like most Nigerian guys, I love football. I no really know why I love am. I just love am. I believe say e dey my blood. I say e dey my blood because I know say my grandpapa been love am too. I fit remember as me and him dey siddon with him old ghetto blaster dey listen to Radio Nigeria football commentary. When Naija dey play ball and light no dey to watch am for TV, na the style be that. The way commentary been dey those days, we go done shout ‘goal!’ like 5 times before dem actually score one! We no mind sha. We dey enjoy am.

I also remember say when Enyimba win the CAF Champions League final with penalties, I no fit watch the match where I dey. So, I use my phone to listen to commentary of the shoot out! And I jump and jump when dem win. Yes, I love Naija football reach like that, and I know say I no dey alone for that situation.

In fact we plenty wey be like that. Just check out the way people dey stand in front of any building wey get TV wey dey show football on weekends and you go understand. I look back now to the period between the late 80s and mid 90s, when Naija football been solid and I wonder. Though we been never begin watch the Premiership or Champions League as we dey watch am today, we been like our local league and our national teams. And e look to me like say instead of just religion then, na religion and football been be our opium.

If you no believe say we use football dey ‘high’ ourselves, then you no remember Japan ’93, Tunisia ‘94 and Atlanta ’96. The kind of attention wey we give those competitions and the kind of joy wey we get when we finally win, no get mate. For ’96, at a time wey Sani Abacha done turn our country to wetin-I-no-fit-describe, I remember women dey run for street with happiness and wrapper dey fall from their waist! People dey carry wooden Olympic Torch, beat drum and sing for street for 2am! Somehow, for the period wey we go talk about and watch the football, we dey forget all our problems. That na unless NEPA take light o! Because, we done hear stories of how people go beat NEPA officials because light go during football.

These days, things done change. Our football dey add to our many problems. Countries wey been dey fear when dem hear our name before, now dem dey make noise. And no be just noise o. Some of dem done stop us make we no go World Cup and African Nations Cup. Our teams no dey fit qualify for Olympics again and even the age-grade and female competitions, where we dey shine before, done dey hard us. Which way Nigeria?!

So, now we get a situation where Naija people dey pretend say dem no get interest for Naija football again. We know say na pretend dem dey pretend, because e dey inside blood. You go ask somebody whether him watch the last Nations Cup Qualifier and if Naija been play well, e go say e watch am. If we no play well, e go say e no been know say match dey sef. But I understand say dem dey try to protect themselves from the heartbreak wey dey follow Naija football. People dey soak demselves inside European football and try not to remember our own.

But no matter how European football sweet, e still no sweet reach when we win the Nations Cup in ’94 or the Olympic gold in ’96. That collective feeling of highness na the very one. That joy wey dey cut across all the boundaries of tribe, religion and status for our country, na something wey we no fit measure. E unite us pass the Fuel Subsidy removal wahala for January 2012 sef. Na that joy we done dey miss for years now.

I agree say we get very serious problems for our country. Problems wey big pass football or any other sport. I know say if we begin win football matches again and other countries begin fear us like before, e no go really change our suffer for this country. The suffer go be the same. But then, if we begin win football matches again, na bad thing? True true, to get back to the time when we been dey do well for football go take plenty hard work from different people. The world done change well well and we need to do something to catch up. I know say we fit do am, but whether we go actually do am na another matter.

But, like the person wey done take opium before and we know the sweetness, I know how e dey be when Naija win football competition and I no go mind to ‘high’ myself again. Because now, more than before, we need something to (once in a while) comot our minds from the way our country be. We need something to give us joy, even if na for a short time.

If you say I be addict, I go agree with you. If you say my head no correct, maybe I fit argue small. If you say I need rehab, I no go gree. I no need cure. For our country, this football drug good for us. E dey work magic. So, somebody… anybody… abeg give us the opium!

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

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You No From Here

I be Port Harcourt boy. Wetin I mean be say, dem born me for PH, I grow up for PH and I done live a big part of my life for PH. So, if somebody from anywhere in the world ask me where be my hometown, I go say Port Harcourt. And that answer go tell them where dem born me or where I grow up. E simple like that.

Naija map with the 36 states and FCT

The interesting thing na when Nigerians ask me where be my hometown. I no go fit say PH. Because, according to our own definition of hometown, PH no go be the correct answer. Nigeria say I no be indigene. She say PH no be my hometown because my forefathers no come from there. Dem come from another town for Rivers State. A town where I never spend more than two weeks at one time. I fit count the people wey know me there. When I go there, I dey spend plenty of my time to explain to people which person pikin I be. Na Christmas and New Year and burials dey carry me reach there most times. But officially, na my hometown.

I get cousins wey dem born for Lagos, grow up for Lagos, go school for Lagos and now dey work for Lagos. Their own even bad pass my own, because dem dey reach our hometown like once every five years! But officially Lagos no be their hometown. Dem no be indigenes.

This way of seeing things done result in plenty problems wey we no suppose to get for our country. The first part be say e done turn millions of us to second-class citizens for our country. If you no dey live for your State of Origin, na automatic wahala you get so. In fact, for some parts of our country we done get some bloody wahala dem between aborigines and settlers, even though all of dem na Nigerians. Most of us know the stories. But that na matter for another time.

As I dey so, I no fit contest for Local Government Chairman for Port Harcourt LGA. Most of my friends wey be PH people like me too no fit contest. We no be indigenes. But na there wey everybody know us. Na there people fit say who we be and wetin our character be and if we fit lead well. The funny part be say, I fit contest for Councillorship! I no understand where that rule come from, but na so I see am. Now, I qualify to contest for Chairman for my LGA. But, who know me for there? Think of my Lagos cousins and how their own go be. Their own wahala chop winch!

A few years ago, before Maiduguri become part of Afghanistan, one of my friends wey from Delta State dey live there. For him to collect PTDF Scholarship forms, the guy get to travel to Asaba, because the forms for Maiduguri na for Borno State indigenes alone. I dey sure say na the same thing go done happen to the Bornu people wey dey Delta State.

Some of the people wey I grow up with for PH from the north. Their States no fall into the ‘Catchment Area’ of the University of Port Harcourt. And we know say sometimes the difference between person getting and not getting admission na Catchment Area. Some of dem been get that wahala. So government dey tell us say make e better to go school where we from. If we say we want national integration (wey make we dey do NYSC), why we need Catchment Areas to enter university? Why people no fit go whichever part of the country dem like and get the same opportunities? Now wey fear done enter our body, people no wan go NYSC for some parts of the country again. Dem go like stay for their Catchment Area. Government no gree. Dem dey quote law and constitution for us. The minister wey dey responsible say na ‘sacrifice’. The question na ‘to which juju’? If this no be confusion, abeg tell me wetin confusion be.

Courtesy Mike Asukwo

 Work for State Civil Service na another important wahala. For people wey no dey live for their State of Origin e hard to get. For those wey manage get the work too, wahala still dey. Because, Governor fit wake up one day, and tell dem ‘Ghana must go!’ or in this case ‘All other Naija must go!’ Recently, Abia State Government decide say e go good to pursue all the Nigerians wey no from Abia comot for their civil service. On any level wey you look am, e no make any sense at all and you no go wan believe say our law dey allow this kind madness. But na so we see am. I thank God say Him cure their craze before e pass ‘be careful’.

I grow up to hear say in the years after Independence, Igbo men dey legislature for Lagos and Hausa men dey government for Enugu, all because na where dem dey live be that. E hard to imagine now! I get to mention say some state Governors done do well because dem put people wey no from their states for their cabinets. That na something wey we suppose clap for. 

But that alone no do. We need more. We need to make am a constitutional matter. The laws need to change so that all of us go equal, no matter where we from and where we dey. We need to get the right to live somewhere and say ‘here na my home’ and nobody go tell us say na lie. We need to move to an era when we get all the rights, priviledges and responsibilities for where we dey live; when Naija person no go be second-class citizen for him country. We need to redefine ‘home’.

If we do that, then we go dey one step closer to that Naija wey we dey dream of.

For me, law or not, I know my hometown. Na Port Harcourt. Where be your own?

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

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Mama, You For Tell Me

‘When you finish secondary school and get your school cert, you go go university. After university, you go get government work.’ She tell me.

‘Why government work, Mama?’ I ask her.

‘Because, the work dey steady and you go get pension when you retire. Dem no dey sack people there, no matter wetin dem do. Government fit give you scholarship too, if you sabi book. And when you come back to work you go get promotion.’ She explain.

To my small pikin mind at that time, e no sound like something wey I go like to do. Pension ke? I just dey 10 years old! I go finish school, join oil company, get plenty money, build big house, buy plenty big motor and marry fine woman wey sabi cook okro soup like my grandma!

As I dey grow up dey understand things, I realize say my grandma been dey talk based on how the country been dey when she be young woman. Those days, the civil service na the ultimate job, and civil servants get respect. A lot of brilliant Nigerians been work for the civil service too. Once you finish whatever level of education and you manage enter there, life done set. I done understand all those things now plus more, and I dey vex.

I dey vex because if to say my grandma been explain well all the plenty benefits wey I fit get for civil service, I for pursue the job like Nackson dey pursue woman!

One big thing wey my grandma forget to tell me na say if you be civil servant, you fit even decide not to go work sef. Just wait till month end and go collect your salary. That’s all. For most people wey done do NYSC for some corners of our country, this dey always be the first shock. You go reach there with plenty ginger to work and learn, only to find out say no be so e dey be. During the month, you no dey see anybody for office. Make month end and you go wonder where all the people dey come out from! In fact, anytime I waka reach office then, the welcome I dey get from colleagues na ‘Corper, any problem?’ I no fit understand how I need to get problem before I reach my office! That is dem no dey expect to see me for office unless I dey come do my clearance. All my neighbours been be civil servants and full time students at the same time. You wonder how dem dey manage am. These days, with bank transfer, I no sure if some people go even dey near the office. Which work sweet pass this type?

My grandma been no remember to tell me say if you dey work for government, you fit go work at any time of the day and wahala no dey. Work dey resume at 8am but you fit reach there at 10am and nobody go yarn. For our area, when I dey primary school e been get one woman wey dey work for one of the ministries for Rivers State. Anytime I hear my grandma say ‘Mama Akachi, you dey go work early today o’ then I know say na 9am be that. 4pm sharp, she done return from work! Abeg wetin be civil service closing time?

My grandma also forget to tell me say no matter the position wey you dey for civil service, you fit make money for side through magumagu way. E no matter how bad the name of the ministry dey sound. When you enter there, the people wey already dey there go show you the way. The higher you go, the more money you fit make. In fact, if you come enter somewhere wey you fit control Police Pensions or any other money like that, e mean say your fowl done born cow! The sweetest part be say the government agencies wey suppose dey pursue thief people, no dey look civil servants side. Na just some politicians and people wey thief small money dem dey look for. So, nothing do you. Ehm... just remember say if na police people money you thief, your case fit different o.

She no tell me say if you be teacher, you fit take money from your students and let dem do expo for WAEC. And even if dem no wan do expo, you go frustrate dem. Or if you dey supervise contractors, you go just collect small bribe and remove eye when dem dey do yeye work. Or if you dey Ministry of Finance, you fit dey collect money from pensioners before you process their retirement benefits.

The one wey dey pain me pass na wetin I just find out some days days ago. Say you fit actually leave the civil service for over 10 years and any time e hungry you, you just come back. And when you come back, you go get promotion to the highest civil service post for ministry. E get anywhere wey work better pass this one? Abeg somebody tell me.

As I dey so, I done begin plan how I go take get that government work o. I must try my best. Because, who know wetin fit happen for the future. Even if I leave the work for some time, and my man enter political office, I fit just show back and get mad promotion! So, I go yarn with somebody wey know somebody wey know somebody wey fit know somebody wey know one of the new Permanent Secretaries for Bayelsa State. Dem say she sabi speak my language well. Maybe she fit help…

But, Mama I still no too happy with you o. You for tell me well na.

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

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No Be All Calabar Girls...

E dey always dey interesting to see how Nigerians dey react anytime foreigners talk bad about us as a group of people. If dem say dem arrest a Nigerian wey dey try to smuggle drugs into the UK or dupe people for Germany, e no dey really bother you. The worst thing wey you go say na ‘See how our country done bad? Na poverty dey make our people dey go do this kind thing o. God help us.’ Depending on wetin the name of the arrested Nigerian be, you fit add ‘Chei, Igbo men and money!’ or ‘Yoruba people!’ or something else wey involve tribe. Then we move on to another thing. 

But if you dey travel outside Naija and when dem see your green passport, dem take you go corner and search craze comot for your body, na different story. You go wan mad! But you no go rake for there o, make strong thing no come happen. You go wait until you comot for airport before you begin holler and the holler dey always be for Queen’s English.

‘Imagine these idiots! Because you see my green passport you think I must be a criminal. This is stereotyping and profiling! It is wrong! How can you think that all Nigerians are bad? How? They even searched me up to my pants! Imagine the rubbish! Am I Abdulmutallab? If not for…’ You go rake belleful and you go repeat the story to your friends and family plenty times.

The thing wey we dey all forget be say no be only oyibo dey stereotype. If leagues dey for stereotyping, we go dey the premier league and we go dey challenge for the title every season. We no dey see any wahala with that ‘fallacy of hasty generalisation’ (as my Philosophy lecturer been call am) until e affect us as individuals. Even the most educated and enlightened among us dey buy some of these yeye stereotypes.

Yes, I sure say you done hear say ‘Calabar girls’ dey very good in bed and in taking care of their men. And if a ‘Calabar girl’ catch your boyfriend or husband, just waka because na the end be that. This stereotype go done start long ago, so I suppose say ‘Calabar girls’ actually mean any females from Akwa Ibom and Cross River states. If this na true, then you go think say anybody wey marry these women go live happily ever after - no broken marriages or infidelity on the part of the husband. Na so e actually be? You know the answer.

Also, all Igbo people like money pass anything. Is that so? So na dem be the only Nigerians wey like money? The rest of us no really send about money abi? How we dey take measure ‘love for money’? The people wey dey spread this kind talk never hear of Father Cyprian Tansi. Na the only Naija man wey the Roman Catholic Church done call ‘Blessed’. That man take vow of poverty and been like God pass everything. Igbo men like that still dey.

Dem say if you go visit somebody for Benue State, the man wey you go visit fit give you him wi… Never mind. I go get back to una on that issue after a thorough personal investigation.

These na just examples of stereotypes wey the whole country know about. Others dey too. Depending on which part of the country you from or live, you also get your local stereotypes and prejudices. Most of us never personally experience these behaviours from people, but we just believe dem, act on dem and spread dem too. 

People in South West Naija get their own about Ijebu people and money. I no know if e get any person wey done actually meet all Ijebu people and then conclude say every one of dem dey behave in a particular way for money matter.

I know of a family from Onitsha wey fight tooth and nail so that their son no go marry a girl from Umuahia. Dem say Umuahia women no good. In fact their eyes too open (I no sure wetin that one mean) and dem fit drive man to early grave. Nobody bother to actually know the girl or the girl family. Just knowing say she from Umuahia dey enough. The interesting thing say both families na Igbo. If to say their son been bring Fulani girl, how e for be?

In Rivers State where I grow up, stereotypes plenty. The fact say the state get so many groups of people with different languages and culture no dey help too. The most prominent one na say ‘Kalabari men like women’. The first thing wey dey come to my mind na ‘Ehen, dem for like men? Show me another tribe wey the men prefer men to women.’ Most times the girls wey dey yarn this thing never even date a Kalabari guy before and dem no know anybody wey done date Kalabari guy. But dem just sure say the guys always dey unfaithful. But sometimes na Kalabari girls dey talk am too. Then I dey remind dem of the other stereotype wey be say ‘Kalabari girls too waka and no dey stay for their husband house’. Dem go begin defend demselves instantly and I go begin laugh.

And that na the way I dey take get people to rethink these things. E dey irritate me when I meet somebody wey begin act like say e know everything about me and my character because I tell am where I from. So if a Yoruba girl tell me say PH girls dey wild, I go remind her say dem say Yoruba girls dey very dirty and only sabi cook oily food. If an Edo girl tell me say Igbo girls dey all about the Naira, I go remind her say dem say Edo girls dey all about the Euros. If an Ijaw man tell me say Ikwerre men no dey like do anything other than to sell land, I go remind am say dem say Ijaw men dey siddon for house dey drink kaikai while their wives dey slave to feed dem. When you tell people the bad stereotypes about demselves, then dem go begin reason say if that stereotype no correct, maybe some of the ones dem believe no correct too. 

Personally, I believe say we suppose dey judge people as individuals, based on our experience with dem. No be from wetin we done hear about their tribe or wetin we done experience with others from their tribe. We be all different people. Even though we know say some of the stereotypes get tiny truth in dem, we still no fit generalize am to everybody from a tribe. That na big jump. As I been talk for Of Tribe, Politics and Religion, every tribe get he own share of correct and wrong people. E no get a rule wey say because you get pastor for your family, you no fit get ashewo and thief too. So, the presence of thief and ashewo for the family done make the pastor bad person? No need to dey make judgements on people wey you never really know, and maybe spoil a relationship wey for good because you believe something wey no actually dey.

The time to dump these stereotypes and prejudices and move forward na now. Make that change.

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

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