Gbenga Osowe: E Go Done For Belle

Tunde na one of my personal padi when I been dey for university, and I like the guy wella wella. If anybody sick, na Tunde go carry the matter for head; if you no dey class, na Tunde go do photocopy of him note for you and the guy writing fine no be small. E be like say na computer dey type one kind wicked font for him note.

But as people wey get sense dey talk, nobody dey perfect. E get something dey wey spoil Tunde - him no sabi cook! And instead of him to try improve, na so so excuse e go dey nack you. If Tunde cook any food for you, even if na ordinary white rice, comma must dey inside. E no go gree listen to you sef, if you wan talk. Anything wey you complain about, the guy get something to take answer you. If na salt too much and you complain, my guy go tell you say make you use mouth wey no get salt chop am or make you comot the salt for your mind and chop the food. Tell Tunde say salt no reach and e go tell you say make you lick salt and chop the food. The one wey the guy dey do wey dey pain me pass na if him cook food wey no done. When you complain, the answer wey this crase boy go give you na ‘chop am like that, e go done for belle’!

Courtesy: myhealthandwellnesscoach.com

You fit dey wonder sey wetin konsign you about Tunde, wey make I dey yarn plenty. The thing be say, na the same problem wey Tunde get na him Nigeria get. The way wey Tunde dey take reason say e go done for belle na im oyinbo people dey call ‘mediocrity’. Instead wey we go do as things go better, we dey belleful with the attitude of ‘chop (or manage) am like that; e go better after’. 

Na that yeye behaviour dey make us no dey start preparation on time (for sports competition), and when competition wan start, we go begin spend money like say we dey pluck am for tree. See the Olympics wey just finish some weeks ago na. We been dey think say e go done for belle, but by the time e happen, dem clear our doubt! Even wooden medal sef, we no fit take come back (if not for the Paralympians wey comot shame for our eyes). But nothing go change o! Nobody go answer question for how we manage spend plenty money for nothing... and when time reach for next Olympics we go start another ‘e go done for belle’ preparation.

Na dis same mediocrity make ‘small sickness’ catch our President wife sick and dem carry her go obodo oyinbo, sake of say our own hospital for here no ‘done’ reach to treat Her Excellency. Make we no forget how long late President Yar’adua stay for hospital abroad before e die o, and plenty other Naija people wey we sabi wey no dey near our hospitals. For those of us wey pocket no reach to go outside Naija, no wahala, we go manage am like that.

I no wan talk about our schools whether na primary, secondary or even the higher institutions. Na there this ‘e go done for belle’ behaviour ‘done’ pass. Teacher for primary school no go teach pikin wetin e suppose know, e go say e go know am later. The pikin go reach secondary school and the teacher for there go say e suppose don sabi the thing. Na so the pikin go carry ‘undone’ knowledge go university. When e comot for there, companies go talk say ‘Nigerian graduates are not well baked’! Baked ko, fried ni! Like say no be all of us get the fault.

Abeg my people, this na time to begin rearrange the way we dey think. Anything wey we wan do, make we dey do am well, sake of say if e no done, na all of us go suffer am.

Make I go check the food wey I put for fire before e go ‘over-done’ because I no fit say make e ‘undone’ for belle later.

My name na Osowe Oluwagbenga

@gbengaosowe for Twitter

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Make We Yarn

I done struggle with wetin I wan talk now for some days. The question na whether make I yarn about am or make I bone and yarn another thing. Eventually, I decide say I go yarn about am. Afterall, this na matter of life and death.

Since I small until now, I no fit begin count the number of times wey yawa done gas for Northern Nigeria because of religious issues and nobody fit count the number of people wey done die from these problems. Almost every year, we dey get this kind wahala. Sometimes na big ones wey dey cover the whole North and other times e fit be small one just for one town or one state. E done almost turn to normal thing. But, my friends, nothing normal about wetin dey kill people o! Nothing normal about am at all!

Many things dey worry me about our general attitude to these religious wahala dem wey we dey get. I go just talk about the two wey dey worry me pass.

1.       To Stereotype and Generalise

With many other issues for our country, we dey come out and show our prejudice and our stereotypes in the open. E no dey cause fight. With religious matter, na different thing. But because we no dey come out openly as Muslims and talk bad about Christians or come out openly as Christians and talk bad about Muslims no mean say we no dey talk.

Courtesy: indianmuslimobserver.com

When we dey for our house, or with friends of the same religion, we dey talk any kind rubbish wey enter our head. If a mad man from Denmark, draw cartoon wey insult the Prophet Mohammed (SAW) then the mad man must be Christian. E no matter say you never see the cartoon and say this mad man fit never enter church all him life. As a result, all Christians hate Muslims and dey evil! If some criminals wey say dem be Muslims decide to bomb a church for Jos, e must be religious war and all Muslims na blood-loving vampires. E no really matter say even though these criminals never attack mosque yet, a lot of the people wey dem done kill for their other attacks na Muslims.

E no dey hard us to just generalize. When we do this kind thing, we dey forget those our good friends, classmates, neighbours and colleagues wey never ever do anything to harm us before, yet dem be of a different religion.

2.       To Form Ostrich

The ostrich na interesting animal. Sometimes when e see say danger dey come, e go run small and bury him head for sand. The idea be say as e bury him head for sand, e no dey see the enemy wey wan lem am, therefore the enemy no dey see am too. This, my people, na mumu wey done ripe! And this na the attitude wey we done adopt when e come to religious matter for this country.

Courtesy: projectmanagementunplugged.blogspot.com

Since wey I grow up to sabi something for this country, na wetin I done notice be this. Everytime we get this kind problem, nobody dey actually wan engage people of other religions for yarning. Christians go dey discuss with Christians and Muslims go dey discuss with Muslims. Anytime the gist na between Christian and Muslim, then we go so ‘insulate’ the gist because we dey fear to yarn the wrong thing. At the end we no dey discuss anything wey dey really get any impact.

During the Danish cartoon wahala, I been dey live for Northern Nigeria and for my big house, we get both Christians and Muslims. Fear, been dey catch us Christians for wetin fit happen to us, but dat na different matter. The thing wey I notice be say even in the middle of this very serious crisis, the Christians and Muslims wey done dey live together as friends, cook, eat and drink together, play football together and chase babes together no fit actually siddon and discuss the issue. While dem dey kill people for other Northern Nigerian cities and we dey hear the news every day, we still dey fear to discuss am between ourselves, make e no be say we come offend the other person. Dat na the ripe mumu I dey talk about. And na wetin done dey happen everywhere for this country for many years.

The question wey we go ask the ostrich na, because e hide head inside sand and e no see the lion wey wan come chop am mean say the lion no go chop am again? The same question na him we suppose answer for this country. All this time wey we no dey gree discuss this very important wahala wey we get, e done stop the wahala from coming again and again and again? E done stop people from dying? Our own na case where even problems wey no start for this country fit result in the death of many people for here. At the end, more people go even die for here than for where the problem actually start!

Where We Suppose Dey Go

While the whole North Africa, the Middle East, Nigeria and Sudan dey boil because of the film wey somebody make, wey insult Prophet Mohammed (SAW), Twitter been dey also boil for Nigeria. People dey discuss am and everybody dey talk how him sense reach.

Some of the talk dey show how ignorant people dey – both Christians and Muslims – about the other religion. And dat kind of ignorance dey just lead to some general statements wey no just dey wrong  but dangerous! This kind of generalization need to change. If somebody from your village go prison because e thief, e make your village thief people village? Why if one Christian/Muslim talk something e go come be say all Christians/Muslims be like dat? Dat kind of lazy thinking no dey help us.

Courtesy: muslimvillage.com

During all this talk, some people no dey talk at all too and some people dey advise say make people no talk again. Me, I be one of the people wey follow talk, and I go continue to talk. Because, since we already know say our ‘no-talk’ policy never really stop bad things wey dey happen, why we go continue to dey close mouth? E no make sense to me.

Remember say for our country we done gum together with our different tribes and religions, and na so we go dey. If we go live together, then we need to find a way to understand and respect each other and live in peace. We need to begin to protect ourselves from the foolishness of people wey no get our interest as Nigerians for their mind.  Make we begin yarn. Make we begin engage each other. Make Muslims being engage Christians and vice versa. Make we discuss, argue, disagree with our mouths (not with knuckles and weapons) and finally reach a point of understanding and tolerance wey go lead to peace and harmony.

When we, the few wey get access to education and exposure, begin to understand say we no need to dey fight and kill, no matter the provocation (whether na by people we no even be Nigerians or by Nigerians), then true true we go dey on the road to change. Then we need to take this message to our families and friends; our churches and mosques; our pastors and imams; to the people wey no go school and people wey eye never open.

Very importantly, we need the government to come in and do their work. First of all, government get to stop these killings and destruction wey dey happen anytime religious wahala come up. Make government no wait until people done die and property done loss before dem begin to condemn the killings and sympathize with the families of victims and people wey done lose property. 

Lastly, from history, we know say no matter how good our mind dey, e go get some wicked people wey go still want to go out and spoil everything wey we dey work for. That na where the law suppose to come in. Like most European countries done do, e done reach time to introduce Anti-Hate and Incitement laws. Dat way anybody wey use him position as politician, pastor or imam to preach hate to him listeners/readers/congregation or encourage dem to go out to kill and destroy go done commit crime and suppose face the law. Anybody (even if no be political or religious leader) wey come out for public (even for internet) begin encourage hate or violence against a group of people, whether na based on tribe or religion go done commit crime too and suppose face the law.

Conclusion

We no fit continue to dey do the same things and expect say the results go change. We need to begin do things differently if we go solve some of these problems wey we get. The time to begin do things differently na now.  Country people, make we yarn.

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

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Title Nigeriana

‘The families of Ntretepe and Ntretepete (no be real names) wish to thank friends and well-wishers for the outpouring of love and support during the burial of our late mother, grandmother, aunt and sister, late Mrs. Eunice Ntretepete.…. This is signed by Right Honourable Chief Andy Ntretepete for the family.’

That na the announcement wey I hear last Saturday, and e nearly make me crase! Right Honourable Chief! I done dey hear titles all my life, but this one na the one wey finally make me holla. Wetin happen sef? Person no go rest for these mad Nigerian titles wey dey make shame catch the person wey hear dem? If dat man na my papa…

Titles na normal thing for human life. Every society get e own titles, and with civilization and education wey done spread round the world, e get some titles wey dey common all over the world. The normal ones like Master, Mr, Mrs and Miss dey common all over the world, for different languages. Titles for royalty like King, Queen, Prince, Princess, Lord, etc. na normal thing for different cultures all over the world. Religious and political titles like Revd, Imam, Senator, Governor, etc. dey. Titles for the military and police, like Sergeant and Colonel dey and we also get the academic ones like Doctor and Professor too. The only professional title wey dey common all over the world na for doctors.

Coutesy: The Vanguard

For our country, some wise people decide say these title dem no do for us. We need more. I no dey really sure when dem decide am and why. E be like say some people wey go school well well, but no be medical doctors, believe say their own professions dem need title too. Or maybe dem just feel say traditional rulers and politicians dey oppress dem with their titles. So dem create the professional titles. No be we invent professional societies and organizations o. Bodies like the the Royal Society of Engineers (UK) and American Congress on Surveying and Mapping (USA) done dey for a long time. But we decide say e get something wey dem never really address – titles! So we address am in a Naija style. Because of that, we get people like Barr. Edem Duke, Engr. Aminu Idris, Arc. John Chukwu and Surv. Adewale Johnson.

As life dey go on, people titles fit change. So somebody fit go from Mr to Dr or from Miss to Prof or Miss to Mrs. Na normal thing. For some parts of the world, when doctors become consultants for their field dem dey change from Dr. X to Mr. X or Ms. X. No be for Naija sha. God go wound that person wey go ‘reduce’ your title! Sometimes too, person fit get the right to use two different titles. The normal thing for other parts of the world na to choose one when you dey yarn about the person. Because you no actually call out or write out all the titles wey somebody get, no mean say the person no get those titles again. Example of this, na the Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams. Because of wetin him be and the kind school wey e done go, e get plenty titles. The guy get PhD, na professor, na head of the Church of England, na member of the House of Lords and Privy Council and many more things. If you actually write everything out, him suppose be The Most Revd and Rt Hon (or his Grace) The (Lord) Archbishop Dr Rowan Williams, FBA, FRSL, FLSW. But I never ever see where anybody actually call am or write about am like this. Na always simple Dr Rowan Williams or Archbishop Rowan Williams.

For our country sha, that one wey I just talk now, na rubbish! How you wan take tell Naija man or woman say e go get title, but make we no address am with all him titles all the time na? Complete rubbish! If you no address am complete, na trouble you dey look for so. If na for occasion, the person no go gree stand up from him seat. If na for school and you mistakenly call your lecturer something ‘less than’ him/her full title, you dey set P with carry-over be dat. So, we dey get title combinations. We dey combine these titles ‘as the spirit leads’. No matter how the thing sound for ear, e no matter. As long as all the titles manage enter, e dey alright.

One of the cases wey common pass na Dr Mrs. I no dey sure why women dey feel the need to add the Mrs to the Dr for their names, but before dem marry dem no dey say Dr Miss. Surely, if Dr Mrs dey okay, then Dr Miss suppose dey fine too na. Abi na to tell the female Drs wey never marry ‘sorry, you hear?’ As far as I know, nothing inside the Dr wey make am man title. So, if a woman get the right to use the title of Dr, she no need any other title to explain her sex or marital status.

The traditional ruler for where I come from for Rivers State been be professor before e take the stool. The first time I see where dem write him name after him become ruler, the title na King Prof! I just open mouth and no sound come out! E dey like say somebody blow me for belle! King Prof! So, with all the military titles wey Prince Charles of Wales get now, when him become king of England, e suppose become something like His Royal Highness, King Colonel-in-Chief Air Commodore-In-Chief Commander Charles, abi? If a medical doctor come get PhD or somebody wey done get PhD already come get a second one, why dem no dey become Dr Dr or maybe Dr-squared? Anytime I see the man name, all I dey think na ‘Oga, no dey greedy: choose one!’

Most of my lecturers for university been be Engr Drs. But e get one wey been no get PhD but na chief for him village. I always dey wonder how him title go be when e get PhD. Engr Dr Chief or Chief Engr Dr or maybe another brilliant combination. I no go bother you with plenty more examples of title combinations as I dey sure say you done hear dem before too.

I just dey wait for na when other professions for Naija go join the title bandwagon. We go get people like Geologist Ndidi Mazi, Accountant Andy Pam, Historian Mercy Daka, Economist Paul Akwanga (to get babe go hard small o) and Chemist Kabir Musa (dem go need to add small explanation to show say dem no dey sell medicine). The sweet part go be how professionals like urban and regional planners, public relations people and agricultural economists go address demselves. And when dem go begin mix these new titles with Alhaji, Alhaja, Otunba, Eze, Mallam, etc.

Somehow I dey feel say if to say the English people never already say ‘Master’ na for small boys wey never become men, Naija people wey get masters degree for done add ‘Master’ to their names! Afterall, people wey get doctorate degrees dey add ‘Doctor’ to their own.

True true, we get very serious matter dem wey dey worry us for this country, and titles no be one of dem. If the country dey work well and titles plenty, I no mind at all. So titles no dey vex me. Dem just dey pinch me small for body…. And when things do me like that, I dey like to turn dem to play play things. So, if you sef done tire for these yeye title dem, then join me play with dem. Drop a comment and ‘create’ some interesting titles wey go fit some Nigerians. I dey see one already - Hon. Otunba Activist….

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

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Where Our Own Paul?

For the past few months, I done dey see news from Presidential Primaries wey the American Republican Party dey do. And for the past two weeks, I dey follow am with plenty interest. Recently, Mitt Romney, the  man wey done win the party primaries to contest for president against Barack Obama, choose Paul Ryan, Congressman from Wisconsin, to be him running mate.

As you fit already know, American politics no dey directly affect me one way or the other. But I dey follow am with interest because na their system our own resemble pass. Na from dem the ‘wise’ people wey write our Naija Constitution copy plenty things from.  The problem be say, like person wey no read before e enter exam hall and e dey dub from him neighbour, we copy some things upside down and  we forget to copy some other things. That na matter for another day sha….

I never hear of this Paul Ryan guy before, but as dem make am running mate so, plenty tori just dey fall out. Dem say the guy na very sharp guy and him star dey rise quick quick for the party. People like and respect am because him na one of the people wey dey think correct and create policy for the party. In fact, e done come up with plans wey him party believe say go move their economy forward and dem done actually debate these plans for the US Congress.

The interesting part be say, even people wey no dey agree with the way the guy dey think and people wey no dey the same party with am, still dey respect that man. Dem fit no gree wetin him talk but dem know say him get brain wey dey work well for him head. I never hear any gist about him godfathers for the Republican Party or which part of the country him from yet. I dey wait. If CNN no carry that gist, I go tune NTA.

The whole thing make me begin think. Who be the Paul Ryans for Naija politics today? I mean, who be those politicians wey dey siddon and really think about our problems, and the government policies wey suppose dey solve these problems, then come up with their own solutions to these problems if dem no agree with the government own?

I no dey talk about who dey criticize the government o. Because, almost every Nigerian wey no dey chop from government dey criticize government. Even people wey dey chop sef dey criticize quietly when tatafo dem no dey around. I dey talk about people wey dey criticize, point out where government dey fail and tell us how dem go take change the direction wey government dey go. To grumble and complain done become national sport for our country now. I no fit count the number of times I done hear 7-year old children shout ‘This stupid NEPA!’ when light go. We dey start am from small.

Nothing wrong with to grumble and to complain o. Na our right. But on their own, Chief Grumble and Alhaji Complain no dey solve any problem. If we agree say some policies no dey work, then we need new ones wey we believe say go work. That na wetin suppose follow the grumble and complain dem. And that na wetin the politicians wey no dey the ruling party, wey we done already elect, suppose dey do. The opposition parties for Naija suppose dey full of people wey no go gree the government sleep well for night; people wey go make government reason well before dem make any move.

Right now sha, I no know whether na government or opposition dey disappoint me pass. Dem plenty for the National Assembly, but nobody dey hear their voice at all. Anytime serious matter dey to yarn about, e be like say all of dem dey fear to talk make we no remember say dem follow dey share the money there! Sometimes, I dey actually wonder if dem and the government dey actually disagree on policy. All, I dey hear from opposition na how dem go dey ready for the government by 2015 and how e no go easy for government and how government no go rig elections… blah blah blah. The only thing dem never succeed to explain to anybody na why we need to change the PDP. Why we go need to come out for 2015 to vote sef? Because, to change something just because you like change, na mumu be that. Change suppose get some kind meaning. If we dey change, e must be for the better. Otherwise, no need for me to waste my time.

If we all done agree say na through democratic way we go take move this country forward, then we need some Paul Ryan-kind of people and we need dem right now. We need people to begin give us alternatives now. We need people to begin draw that line of difference between wetin we get now and wetin we fit get after the 2015 elections. We also need dem to begin ginger the common man for the streets to see say change dey come and to see the faces of this change wey dey come. If these things no begin happen now, then when 2015 come, even if by miracle, we remove the current government and put new one, e go be the same old wine inside new bottle.

This na yarn wey we done begin talk before today. E no go end today. Make the yarn continue…

For Other Matter…

1.    Dana Air

The Federal Government done give back Dana Air their license to fly for Naija again o. If you been never hear am yet, you dey on a very long thing.

From the reactions wey I see yesterday, e no dey like say most people dey happy about this development, especially after we hear say dem suspend the inquest into the crash. As I done talk before, na issues like this suppose be the bread and butter of the Opposition. This na good time for some opposition politicians to tell us say dem dey feel the people.

Also, e go good to see that Naija man wey go be the first to buy Dana Air flight ticket. I say ‘man’ because I trust our women.… Not their portion!

2.    Trial For Suicide

I hear say Naija Police for Abuja take one man go court because the man attempt to kill himself.

Now, I no be lawyer and I no know where the law dey stand for this kind matter o. But, I think say person wey try to kill himself need help. And I no believe say the kind help the guy need na court case and prison o! Which way Nigeria?

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

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Small Pikin Things

I hate heat. I never ever like places wey hot for my life and I no think say I go ever like them. I no go mind if we dey get winter for Naija. In fact, I be one of those few Africans wey no go mind import weather from Europe. No fear when you hear import o, because na government go pay for am. Full subsidy. Ehm… subsidy… make we no go there.

Right now, where I dey air conditioner and heat done dey battle since morning and at exactly 12.58 pm, the walls of Jericho around the air conditioner fall down flat, and the heat finally defeat the AC. No way to fix am right now so I get to endure am.

I bring out my external hard drive, connect am to my computer and begin find music wey I go listen to, to take distract myself from the heat. I see some music wey I never listen to for many years now – the first three albums of DMX. I no understand how I still get this music and I never listen to am for years now! So I begin play am. Make I for no disturb my colleague, I form like person wey wan represent him country for the Olympics (maybe for the Ludo/Draught event) and I use headphones. You know say I no see any Nigerian athletes with those Beats headphones for the Olympics o. Some people say e affect our medal chances. If Dr. Dre no gree dash dem headphones, why our government no buy for dem na? Anyway, that one na by the way.

As I begin listen the music, I dey sing, dey dance. You know that special dance wey you only fit dance when your hands dey on top computer and you siddon, abi? Only your head, shoulders and chest (depending on the size, shape, reaction to gravity, things wey dey hold am, etc.) fit shake dey shake. My colleague just open mouth dey look me. I no look him face. I notice say him mouth dey move, so I pause my music and remove the headphones.

‘You always listen to music, but whatever you are listening to now must be special. You are singing and dancing’, the guy tell me.

I put the headphones for him head and I play the music. The guy look me with shock for him face. If you see him face you go think say e hear somebody dey recite incantations to him town juju. I take my headphones put for head and continue the music without any explanations.

I discover hip hop when I enter secondary school. I mean, I done dey hear am before that time, but na when I go secondary school I begin dey actually listen am well. I no fit really explain wetin dey about the music wey attract me o. But I been get my group of hip hop heads wey dey discuss and share the music. Most of wetin the songs dey about na babes, dope, fighting and killing. And I no really get problem with dope, fighting and killing, as far as na only for TV dem dey. As for babes, I no mind if dem show physically.... Some of the lyrics dey so bloody that I no fit play am loud if adult dey near me. Sometimes, I fit forget say my mama dey with me and one ‘rotten’ part of the song go just come out. I go just bone, put my face inside book and pretend say I no been dey listen. Na wetin make me get my first headphones. Na later I realise say to my people, na rubbish I dey listen and dem no dey bother themselves to actually hear wetin the rappers dey yarn about. As far as no be disco or highlife, dem no send! Violence or not, I been love hip hop with all my heart.

Oh, before I forget, I mean the kind of hip hop wey dem been dey play in the 90s and early to mid 2000s o.  Because these days the music and the musicians done change small. E be like say if dem no put plenty braces for mouth and turn their body to small pikin writing pad,  the music no go sweet. Somebody say no be braces; say na platinum teeth and say na professional tattoo artists dey do the drawing and writing. I never confirm yet. As for the songs dem sef… I tire. Dem all sound alike.

Around the same time wey I discover hip hop na him I begin play video games. Those days Nintendo and Sega been get some games wey dey scatter my dada! But I been really like the fight fight ones. Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter been bam well well. Every day I dey try to learn new combo wey I go take dey kill people. Other ones dey too, where you go just carry your sword or gun begin dey nack people everywhere. One man genocide squad! The sweet thing be say if dem kill you, you fit restart and you go come back to life! And even if the people wey you been done kill before come back to life, you already know say the way to kill person na the same way to kill him ghost and the ghost of him ghost too!

My love for hip hop and video games continue up till university and after. But over time, so many other things done dey chop man time and I no dey really fit do those things as I been dey do before. But today na different day. Thanks to the combination of heat and my old hard drive wey no dey die, I done remind myself say my feelings for hip hop never change. I realise too say I dey miss finishing people for Mortal Kombat and those other games. I dey go buy proper video game as soon as I fit. Time go dey to play am. I hear say for some of the games, you fit even customize and name your enemies and opponents. Chai, na only God know how many Naija politicians I go dey beat everyday! With their big big belle dem, e no go hard. Any one wey wear cap, na him head I go kick first. Money fit fall out. Maybe N5000 notes. I no go forget to add Boko Haram too.

I sure say everybody get things wey dem been dey do as children wey dem still love as adults. My own na hip hop and video games. Wetin be your own? Dem say ‘there’s love in sharing’, so drop a comment for under and share am with us.

By the way, this my colleague just look wetin I write finish begin tell me about somewhere for Bible wey talk say ‘When I was a child, I spake as a child… when I was old, I put away childish things’. I look am and I laugh and I continue to write. See worshiper of the Nigerian god! For my bible, that part of the bible actually say ‘…when I became a man, I put away childish things’. Na just music wey I dey enjoy and e no get upper age limit o! When we dey drive home this evening, we go pass in front of cemetery. I go show am where old people dey…

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

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I Remember

I remember when I small. No kind play children no been dey play - backflip, cartwheel, rubber leg, running, high jump, long jump and even poju poju. My street na 100m track for us children. No evening wey you no go hear ‘On your marks, set, go!’ outside our house. Our parents dey actually come out for our houses and watch us as we dey arrange ourselves dey run. We dey make small small ‘machines’ wey get wheels and dey push dem all over the place. Some of us dey carry old bike and motor tyres dey run for street. Sometimes they tyre dey even big pass the pikin wey dey try to push am. We been dey wrestle too. Those of us wey from villages wey dem dey wrestle come introduce am to us. But we no dey do am where our parents go see us. If not, na cane we go wrestle with. We bin play many games wey if to say we do am till we grow we for be professional play play people. I mean, I been dey very good with my catapult. I dey shoot anything wey dey move. I enter trouble a few times because of am too.

I remember say the navy men wey dey stay for the NNS Pathfinder Base (that time na NNS Akaso) dey like to jog for morning. And dem no dey mind if people join them to jog, provided you no go try to slow dem down. If you dey slow down, dem go run pass you. If you fit run like dem, you go just join dem dey sing dey go. As teenagers, some of us dey follow dem dey run, because e just dey sweet us to fit run with these military men. Even on days wey navy men no dey run, a lot of people - both old and young, dey still come out for morning to run.

I remember say for our different cultures, e get many things wey people de do to enjoy themselves and to stay fit. Some tribes get special days for wrestling where people go gather dey beat drums, chant songs for their person and cheer the wrestlers until one person back go touch ground. You remember the famous Okonkwo and Amalinze the Cat, from Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe?

I remember play play for school. We extend a lot of the play from house to school. Break time no be small thing. Then inter-house sports competitions dey too. Na the biggest event for the school calendar every year. In fact when at  a certain time of the year, every weekend you go see children wey wear their different House colours dey go school with their parents for inter-house sports. Na our own Olympics be that. For primary school my house dey like Nigeria for London 2012, but for secondary school my house dey like USA! Plenty singing and dancing when dem go award us the trophy o.

Now I look around and most of the things wey I remember, done disappear. We all dey sad say Naija perform very badly for Olympics and everybody dey shout about reform of the Sports Ministry and Sports Federations and grassroots sports development. That na good shout. But you see, the problem of our sports no be just say nobody send for grassroots development. E pass like that.

When I small, I no know how small pikin fit take stay inside him house when others dey play outside. E hard o. If you look around now you go see children wey no dey play at all. Dem either dey watch Africa Magic or dem dey watch cartoons, depending on their level of aje. As dem dey grow up, e go change from Cartoon Network and Disney Channel to MTV and E! where dem go discover the Kardarshians and My Super Sweet 16 and na there their own finish! Dem papa and mama no de allow them go outside. So, dem no fit run around or mix with other children or climb trees.

But wait first o. Even if parents allow dem go out, na which tree dem go climb sef? All the trees wey been dey around, done disappear finish. Government done sell or dash dem to people wey done build house everywhere! I remember the parks and playgrounds wey we been get all over Port Harcourt. Public places dey to play football and basketball and even swim. For places like Elekahia Housing Estate, gardens dey where people dey go relax and children dey go chase butterflies. I no fit remember the last time I see butterfly sef. That garden done enter voice mail since! The one garden wey the present government do now, fine well well, but dem put am for express road! I no sure how person wan let him children go play for express road garden o!

Now, even if the parks and playgrounds still dey everywhere, people go really let their children go play? The primary duty of every papa and mama na to take care of their children in the best way wey dem fit. And our country be as e get now, which person get strong mind to let him pikin comot for house just to go play? People wey dey kidnap dey one corner dey do their own, while people wey dey bomb dey their own corner too. Then you get plenty people for road wey dey drive motor and ride bikes like say evil spirits dey pursue dem. How any papa and mama, wey their head correct, go wan let dem pikin just go outside to play na?

Now anybody wey think say the children fit play for school these days no dey live for Naija. Because most of our government schools dey useless, anybody wey get small money dey put him pikin for private schools. Every year, more and more people dey send their children go private schools. And if you done see most of these private schools, e dey easy to understand why children no fit play. Most of them no even get enough classroom space sef, before dem go get playground. So where the children wan play and how dem wan take do inter-house sports?

The Paralympic Games done almost start. And na wetin make me remember Olympics wey I done try to forget. You done see our primary and secondary schools for disabled children? Na just like most government schools. Dem dey rotten dey go. Unfortunately, we no get private schools for disabled children. How this people dey manage, na only God sabi. But we dey expect medals for the Games abi? Yes, by the grace of the Nigerian god.

At the end, the question be say ‘how children wan take develop interest for sports and develop whatever talents dem get, if dem no get the chance to play?’

We all agree say government need to do something about sports urgently. But no be just about more money for the ministry or kicking out the corrupt officials and putting new blood. Government need to go back to their basic work. That work na to care for us just the way parents dey care for their children. Government need to keep us secure, protect our environment so that we go fit enjoy life, provide education of a high standard for our children (including the disabled ones), provide world-class health care facilties, etc. If government do these things, children go begin play again. And if children begin play again and our Sports Ministry plan well and implement the proper programs, e no go tey before we begin do well at every level of sports.

I go still dey follow the Nigerian athletes for the Paralympic Games. Maybe, dem go give us wetin we no been get for the Olympics Games. But even if dem no fit, I go still dey hail dem. To do wetin dem dey do, no be beans.

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

I dedicate this piece to the special person wey write am with my hands.

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O Na For Opposition

If e get something wey we sabi do for this country, na to yarn. Nobody fit accuse Nigerians of not talking. The only wahala there be say we dey spend too much time dey yarn about the things wey no really important, and we no dey yarn enough about the important things.

I read Nigeria: A Case Of Too Many Purposeless Cooks by Debo Adejugbe last week with a mixture of happiness and sadness. I happy because e be like say the guy dey read my mind as e dey write. I dey sad because, I get a strong feeling say if we continue the way we dey go today, we go dey sing the second verse of the song we dey sing now after 2015. The song of ‘how we manage enter one chance?’ So we need to talk about am again and again and again…

On the fact say we need our country to start to move forward, we get general agreement. On how the country go take change, agreement no dey. Everybody get him different idea. Some of us believe say the change wey we need na personal thing. So, if you or your person manage enter government, and things begin happen for una side, then life go change sharply, therefore Nigeria done change. Make una fall inside gutter and break leg! A good majority of us done leave am for the hand of the Nigerian god. Dem believe say if we continue to dey pray without season (or maybe na ‘ceasing’), one day the country go change. I wish dem good luck. I no sure if I intend the pun.

The one I wan really talk about na the third group of people. Dem know say for the country to change, we need a change of personnel. And na every four years we dey employ, sack or renew the contract of the ones wey we already get. Na elections I dey talk about. We know say most of the people wey dey lead us today deserve ‘sacking’. But if we sack dem, we need to put in people wey we believe say go give us wetin we dey look for. And that na where the opposition suppose come in.

In other parts of the world wey their heads correct, if government dey misperform and the opposition dey offer the people something wey make sense, the people dey kick the government out and give opposition the power.

This opposition wey I dey talk about no mean people wey their party different from the ruling party o. I mean parties wey dey actually ‘oppose’ the government. These na parties wey dey monitor wetin government dey do and offer the people something different if dem no agree with the government (and that disagreement na almost everytime). And normally dem suppose to dey do this work in a way wey all of us go see say dem different from the government. In the way dem dey talk, in the way dem dey stand on matter wey dey enter the legislature (both national and state) and in the way dem dey address national issues.

Naija Opposition: Same as the government?

For Nigeria, the opposition suppose be the ACN, ANPP, CPC, etc. But look all of dem and see if difference dey between dem and the PDP. If tomorrow we vote ACN or CPC into the presidency, how dem go dey different? I no sure. As Debo Adejugbe talk, e be like say the only thing wey the non-PDP people get for their mind na to ‘capture power’. So after dem capture power, what next? E no be like say dem dey sure wetin dem wan use the power do.

As I understand am, opposition no dey start 6 months to election. Opposition suppose start from the day dem swear the government in, and e suppose continue till the government commot. Opposition suppose dey mark government like defender dey mark attacker for football, and once in a while we suppose dey see sliding tackle! As the government dey bring policy, the opposition suppose dey bring their own to show Nigerians the difference. That way, the government go dey think twice before dem open mouth to yarn or decide to do something.

The fuel price increase of January 2012 na huge opportunity for the opposition for Nigeria to show us wetin dem dey about. The way I see am, na big New Year present wey the government been give dem. A gift of very strong rope wey dem for use hang the government. In other correct countries, the opposition for jump on top am and by the time dem finish with the government, you no go buy government with 10 kobo! But wetin our own opposition do? Nothing. A few people come out against the fuel price increase, but no be wetin I dey talk be that. As political parties, these people suppose show strength. That for be the time to tell Nigerians how dem dey different. E for be the time to tell us say dem go be government for the people if we give dem power. Instead, wetin we actually hear be say the non-PDP governors been done already agree to the fuel price hike na him make dem all close their mouths.

What about the opposition legislators wey dey the National Assembly? I mean the Minority Leader and all him people. How far with them? How dem dey try to attack and modify the policies of the government? How many bills dem done sponsor and try to push through? Apart from ‘I concur’ and ‘I second’ e get any other thing dem dey talk for there? Or true true na a case of ‘when you dey chop, no talk’? Because, opposition or not, plenty pepper still dey rest for their side!

We need to begin focus our energy on the opposition as we dey focus on government o. Because we no go bring people from another country to come take over the government. A strong opposition na the only alternative.

As e be now, plenty time done already waste, but time still dey to clean the mess before 2015. Because when play play go turn to players, no be me and you wey dey use Twitter and read news online go matter. Na the millions of Nigerians wey no sabi wetin internet be or get time to read newspaper go go out there to vote. Dem plenty well well and na their votes go make the difference. Na the people wey the opposition suppose dey try to reach now with their structure, yarning and most importantly with their actions. That way, when the time come, Nigerians go do the right thing.

I done talk my own, but make the talk continue. Make e continue until we begin do the right thing.

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

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Naija Grammar

Today yarn go start like say na English class. Abeg no vex. I know say you no been like that your English Language teacher for secondary school. Try no extend the hatred reach my side. But if you no fit hold yourself and you still dey provoke, then just take the annoyance read wetin I write finish and drop comment about how I make you vex!

We be country of people wey sabi yarn. And if we manage sabi one or two big word dem, then the yarning dey even sweet pass. Normally, the way people dey yarn no dey worry me. But e get two things wey we dey yarn all the time for this country wey dey worry me. Dem dey worry me because we done bend dem from wetin oyibo say dem be to wetin we feel say dem suppose be.  Forgive me for the plenty grammar wey you go soon read, but I need to quote wetin dey for book so we fit see the real meanings.

Empower (Oxford World English Dictionary)

verb

[with object and infinitive]

give (someone) the authority or power to do something:

                members are empowered to audit the accounts of limited companies

[with object]

make (someone) stronger and more confident, especially in controlling their life and claiming their rights:

                movements to empower the poor

carry along (Longman Dictionary of Phrasal Verbs)

1.    to carry something with one (synonym carry about)

2.    to cause (someone) to share one’s feelings, opinions, etc.

3.    to encourage (someone), as to keep trying.

A few years ago, just some months after Amaechi become governor of Rivers State, I been dey one joint dey do joint things and gist with my guy. As e dey always be with boys talk, the gist come enter government matter. The guy say Odili (a former governor) better pass Amaechi. So I ask am why e talk so. The answer e gimme na simple one.

‘Odili been dey carry people along. Amaechi no dey do like that.’ Na wetin e yarn.

I look my guy with shock. ‘Just that?’

‘Yes o! The guy no wan empower people.’ E continue. Then e go on to explain wetin e dey talk about.

As e explain am, for Naija ‘empowerment’ and ‘carry along’ get different meaning o from the ones wey I copy from dictionary. When we talk say we want our government to empower us, we mean say we want dem to dash us money. When we say we want dem to carry us along, we mean say we want them show us where we go dey thief our own money as dem dey thief their own! When the guy finish the explanation, I no know where to begin address am from. So, maybe the meaning of ‘carry along’ no too far from wetin oyibo talk. Dem say na ‘to cause someone to share one’s feelings, opinions, etc.’ I dey suspect say we interprete ‘etc.’ to mean ‘loot’.

Just like the other guy wey I recommend ‘government slap’ for last week, na wetin been dey my mind for this guy too! No part of wetin the guy explain to me get anything to do with to good government and leadership. The only thing wey matter be say extra money dey enter people pocket.

During Odili time, our state turn to playground for every young man wey wan become Rambo. Our politicians wey say dem must win election or siddon for political seat for second term, buy weapons give these young men. And dem turn Port Harcourt and the towns and villages wey surround am to battle grounds. Small boys go just enter one backyard, dem flog dem 24 strokes, cut their body with blade, rub some white chalk put inside, give dem coloured kaikai to drink, give dem gun to carry and dem done turn gang member/cultist. Na so wetin we dey call militancy now for the Niger Delta start. Where the thing change from fight for political power to fight for the progress of the Niger Delta na tori for another day. But the thing be say, people been no know peace that time. When Amaechi come, things change. Most of that nonsense stop. This no be endorsement for Amaechi. Na wetin happen be that.

So e dey turn my belle say some people still think say Odili time been better pass, because him ‘empower’ dem and ‘carry dem along’. Na serious matter wey suppose make us begin think well well. So if  money dey enter person pocket, e no matter if bullets dey fly pass him head, eh?

‘So you for like make e carry you along, and then you go hide inside house dey drink this drink because you no want somebody to come shoot you, abi?’ I ask am and e no fit answer me.

The sad thing be say, no be only that my friend dey think like that. Na very common way to think for Naija. And trust our sharp politicians. Dem be part of us, so dem understand how we dey think. Dem know who to ‘empower’ and who to ‘carry along’ and things go dey move well for dem. Dem go come up with one ‘Youth Empowerment’ or ‘Women Empowerment’ scheme and people go begin jump and clap hand. Some people go gain small because pepper go rest for their side. For others, contracts, wey dey benefit only the contractor and the politician, go reach their hand and dem done carry dem along be dat. But for us, as people and as communities, nothing dey happen.

We need to live in peace, make money and live well o. But for these things to happen, our infrastructure, economy, and security need to improve. And those things na government work. We need to ask government to do government work wey be to provide the correct environment, so that ordinary citizens fit do the citizen work, wey be to work hard, start business and to create jobs.  That na empowerment. And when government dey do this government work, make dem dey yarn with the citizens, so we too fit put mouth, and we fit tell dem the way those things go work well for us and we fit understand each other. That na to carry us along.

The change, wey we dey look for, dey for our hand.

This na @nfsqueezed on Twitter

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